HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE YOU GIVE A F*CK
There was a time when I didn't like to have scheduled sex. I preferred spontaneity. Knowing I was going to have sex at a certain time took all the fun out of it for me. I thought it was the predictability of it, but I was wrong. Now that I am much older and wiser, with much more sexual experience, I've realized that the reason I preferred spontaneous sex was because it happened when I was already aroused. Scheduled sex literally meant starting from zero with partners who didn't know how to get me fully aroused. The problem was that I didn't teach my lovers how to turn me on and no one else had ever taught them sensual skills either. We all know that most porn fails at teaching sex skills. Yet that is where most of us get our "information."
When I became an Intimacy Specialist, I learned that what most sensual encounters are missing, spontaneous OR scheduled, is simply connection. Spontaneous sex is wild, animalistic, and highly enjoyable but it can lack the all-encompassing energetic nature of making love to someone with whom you've created a beautiful connection. Scheduled sex lacks the wild, animalistic aspect of an impulsive encounter, but it offers all kinds of opportunities for building connection. Now, I love scheduled sex the most. With scheduled sex, I can implement a plan to create a connection with my lover. It's much easier than you may believe. Here are the key ingredients to make love like you give a fuck.
Know the Goal of Foreplay
Most of us believe that the goal of foreplay is to get each other aroused. But the real goal of foreplay is to create a connection. This can be done with anyone, not just someone you love. Every sensual experience is an opportunity to create a connection that will amplify the erotic experience dramatically. Keep the real goal of foreplay in mind when you find yourself in a spontaneous OR scheduled sexual encounter.
Set the Mood
If you've done it before, it gets quicker and easier every time. This is an important step in creating connection. Set the mood with lighting, music, and a cozy spot for cuddling. Are your sheets clean? Is the TV off? If you really want to get creative, you can set up mirrors on the walls around the bed, add incense or an essential oil diffuser to the mix, and more. The important thing is that it is a comfortable, inviting space with no distractions.
Cleanse Thyself
When we take impeccable care of our hygiene, it makes our lovers feel like we care about them. Paying attention to cleanliness demonstrates respect and lets our partners know that their comfort is important to us. All parts should be cleaned, not just ass, pits and feet. Clean in and behind the ears. Wash hair and file nails. Be thorough and don't be afraid to scrub your bumhole.
Make Eye Contact
Eye-gazing creates a profoundly strong connection between lovers. Start with making eye contact often, while easing into the foreplay. Prolonged eye-gazing comes naturally as the connection builds between lovers. It is not meant to be forced and may make some people uncomfortable even if it's not forced. We must be aware of the silent communication of our partners so that we don't make feel them LESS connected by crossing their boundaries. Eye-gazing is deeply personal and may require a deep love for some people to allow themselves the vulnerability of it. For others, it may be too powerful to endure.
Talk
Conversation is a VERY IMPORTANT part of foreplay for a lot of people. But we can't talk about the weather. We need to talk about things that matter to us. The best way to connect through conversation is to share something personal about ourselves and listen carefully if our lover shares something personal about themselves. We should ask questions that show we are interested in what our lover is sharing with us. Phones should be far away and all other distractions avoided. Every word matters when we are connecting with a lover. We must listen with love and compassion; nonjudgment and appreciation that our lover is willing to share themselves with us. Don't worry if some tears are shed. Tears can be a sign of deep connection and lead to beautiful love-making encounters.
Laugh
Laughing together is a great way to bond with someone. Sometimes we have to be careful with humour. An insecure lover might think we are laughing AT them rather than laughing with them. We must make sure to say why we are laughing. Once trust is built and humour is established as welcome in the relationship, it is a wonderful way to increase connection. Private jokes, sharing funny and embarrassing stories, giggling when something unexpected occurs – these are beautiful, joyful ways to connect during foreplay.
Be Bold
Leave the lights on. Wear something sexy. Do a little strip show. Touch yourself for your lover (while eye-gazing). It's getting hotter in here as I write this. Shrug off your insecurities, embrace the beauty you have to offer shamelessly, and let your kinky, sexy light shine bright.
Tease
Foreplay is about connection and tease. We want our lovers to beg us for more. We want to touch and kiss and massage all the parts of the body EXCEPT the SEX parts. Graze the sex parts. Massage all around the sex parts. Occasionally run your hands over the sex parts. But do not touch the sex parts until your lover is literally begging for it. It's possible that they enjoy the tease so much that they never ask for more. In that case, you can assume that the tease is all they want today. Or, you can ask if they want "more."
Pay Attention to Body Language
This is something to be aware of at all times during encounters with lovers. If they pull away or redirect us in some way – we must be sure to follow their lead. In case of misunderstanding, ask for verbal clarification of desires and boundaries. We must explore gently and watch for indications of approval or discomfort. I know from my own experience that the more gentle and respectful my lover is, the more comfortable I am with exploring kinkier activities with them. Being absolutely clear that our lovers are responding positively to the things we are doing shows that we care about them.
Sex Do's:
Do ask for consent. Ex: Can I kiss you? If the answer is no, accept it gracefully. Move on to something you do have permission to do.
Do remember that the only thing your partner is thinking about is whether or not you're enjoying the experience. They are not thinking about that thing you're insecure about.
Do foreplay correctly. The goal of foreplay is to connect with your lover. Connecting takes time, energy, and focus. Make your lover feel like they are the only person in the world.
Do tease your lover. Tease is the language of arousal. Draw out the tease for as long as possible. Become a tease connoisseur.
Do have sensual encounters that don't include penetrative sex. Appreciate all the various ways we show love without putting an emphasis on one kind of intimacy.
Do have fun! The best case scenario, no matter what actually transpires sexually, is that you and your lover both walk out of the experience with huge smiles on your faces.
Do prioritize sensual intimacy in your relationship. Studies show that people who have regular sensual intimacy with their partners are happier in their relationships and feel more connected to their partners. Friendship is not enough. Sensual intimacy does not have to be sex. There are ways to engage and connect wonderfully without going "all the way."
Do have coconut oil on hand for giving a massage; and oil or lube for lovemaking, as well.
Do strive to spend a full hour with your lover. Fill up the time with focused attention on your lover, incorporating massage, tease, eye gazing, conversation, and laughter.
Sex Don'ts:
Don't expect sex every time your partner touches you or flirts with you. Keep it special and sacred. Allow for sensual intimacy and play that does not lead to sex. It builds anticipation and trust.
Don't argue about sex. Conversations around sex have to be handled with extreme care. Feelings can easily and unintentionally get hurt. Sex is a difficult subject to discuss because of the insecurities and shame that a lot of people live with. Arguments about sex will make it much harder to heal the intimacy issues in the relationship.
Don't complain about technique or compare your lover to another past lover. Instead, gently explain what turns you on. Ask if you can show them or they can show you how to do something that is pleasurable. Complaining and comparing are destructive behaviours in relationships. Healthy communication requires respect.
Don't push boundaries. If you know your partner doesn't like a certain thing, don't do it. It's not funny or cool to pressure or joke about your lover's boundaries.
Don't feel insulted or insecure because of your lover's kinks. Kinks are fantasies that people may or may not want to explore. For instance, I fantasize about gang bangs but I would never want to do it in reality. If your partner does want to explore their kinks, try to discuss ways they can potentially do that, and how it might impact the relationship. But don't take it personally.
Don't guilt lovers into sex. Using guilt to get your sexual needs met is a fast way to destroy your partner's respect. Once gone, respect is extremely difficult to rebuild. Self awareness and apology can go a long way. But it's better if you just never do it.
Don't expect your lover to live without intimacy. If you don't want to be intimate anymore, either give permission or expect them to find it outside of the relationship.
If you want to make love like you give a fuck, you must learn the truth about foreplay. It has nothing to do with oral sex or french kissing. It has everything to do with connection.
If there is a sexual technique that we all really need to know, it is the art of tease. Teasing is the technique that causes arousal. But teasing comes after and during connection.
The goal of foreplay is to create an emotional connection that will make the sensual connection truly incredible. Our lovers will come back again and again for the kind of foreplay we offer because they will feel seen, heard, loved, and desired. Connection is the key to magical love-making.
Love Annie xoxo
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