OUT OF CONTROL

I awoke from a terrible nightmare. I was staying the night at a friend’s house, but my house was burning down with my parents and brothers asleep inside. I had to warn them. I woke my friend to tell her that I needed to use the telephone. She said no, her parents would be mad. I said, I’m doing it anyway. A few minutes later, my friend’s mother tried to pry the phone out of my hands. Dad was at the other end of the line, chuckling. “It’s okay, my little darlin’. There’s no fire and everyone’s fine here.” I said goodbye and unwrapped my hands from the phone.

A few days before, I’d asked my mom what the hardened, dark spots on the couch were from. “Your dad fell asleep with his cigarettes lit,” she replied. The burn marks scared me. There were so many of them. I thought he might light the house on fire one of these days. My dreams had come true before. Maybe nightmares could come true too.

As a child, I felt that my life was very out of my control. I learned how to take control as much as I could. By age 10, I knew how to manage Dad when he was drunk. As I grew older, I learned to control or, at least, manage every person and situation in my life. It was normal behaviour from what I saw in the relationships around me. People used all kinds of methods and behaviours to get what they wanted. My desire to control and manipulate was not unusual.

I am willing to admit, now that I have had time to change and look back on myself critically, that I was a toxic partner and friend. I thought I knew what was best for everyone else. I thought that if only they did what I told them to do, their lives would be so much better. In the case of my boyfriends, I strived to “train” them to do housework. I shamed them when they went against my wishes. I taunted and ridiculed them to push them towards my desires. I broke down in tears or lashed out in anger. I did whatever it took to gain control.

As the oldest, I was like a second mother to my brothers.

The first thing every one of us learns when we come into human existence, is how to manipulate to get what we want. The newborn infant cries to be held, cleaned, or fed. Later, the toddler whines and even negotiates for his own aims. It is a natural part of every person’s journey to become a master manipulator, even if we don’t fully realize it at the time.

It is also human nature to resist being controlled. I tried to control my partners. They resisted. They tried to control me. I resisted. You can imagine how healthy my relationships were. It wasn’t just my romantic relationships that were toxic. As a mother to my oldest child, I was domineering and authoritarian. My daughter obediently tried to please me, like I had done with my parents. It was the way it was supposed to be, I thought. Children were supposed to fear their parents. I thought I was being a “good” mother.

When I was pregnant with my second child, I had one of the craziest years of my life. First, I became unexpectedly pregnant. The day I found out, my partner went out partying and didn’t come home that night. The pregnancy itself was horrible. I suffered with terrible acne, anxiety attacks, and carpal tunnel syndrome. Then, there was the shocking news that a friend was hospitalized. I lost my job that year, after it came out that I was an exotic dancer. I was miserable. I felt defeated, like my life was reeling out of my control.

One day, I perused the self-help section of a bookstore, looking for a book to give as a gift. I picked up books, opened them to random pages, and read to see if anything caught my attention. One book stood out from the rest. I bought it and took it home. Before wrapping it for my cousin, I decided to read a little more. The ideas in the book mesmerized me. I had never thought of these things. I couldn’t put it down. Folding a page to mark my spot, I decided to keep the book for myself. I bought three more the next day for my cousin and two other people I loved.

This book changed the way I view everything.

It was called “There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem” by Wayne Dyer. Wayne preached the opposite of what I had learned growing up. He said we need to let go of our desire to control others. He said we should treat people with respect and unconditional love, no matter what they do that upsets us. He even said we can learn to not be upset by the actions of others. How could this be?

I thought about letting go of control of my partner. A piece of me felt relieved imagining it. I thought about letting go of control of my children. That was harder. A parent must control their children, mustn’t they? I asked myself this question many times over the next few years.

I read the entire book, cover to cover, and my mind was immediately expanded. The idea of giving up control seemed impossible but also irresistible. I began to notice the way I manipulated and tried to control the people in my life. I made an obsessive effort to catch myself and stop myself from engaging in these toxic behaviours. My partner didn’t notice but slowly, my behaviour changed towards him. I also started exercising less control over my children, giving them more freedom, and saying “yes” more often. It was surprisingly liberating.

I developed a mantra to help me whenever I faced a situation I wanted to control. I repeated this mantra over and over. “I release myself from the obligation to control others. I release myself from the obligation to control others.” You see, once I examined my true motives for trying to control others, I realized that I felt obligated to tell people what was best for them. Forced to look at myself, I was ashamed of my arrogance. I also acknowledged that I couldn’t truly control others. I could only control myself.  This was an epiphany.

I thought giving up control of others would be hard. It did take many months of repeating my mantra and many failures before I began to have success. But it was easier than I expected. Letting go of control felt like a weight off my shoulders. In my effort to control the people I loved, I’d been taking responsibility for their lives. I no longer felt this way. Wayne Dyer helped me to see that I wasn’t responsible for anyone’s journey but my own.

 I started to catch myself BEFORE degenerating into manipulation and self-seeking tactics. Over time, it became natural for me to assess my own motives when giving advice and to not take it personally when my advice wasn’t taken. Wayne had opened up a whole new world to me, spiritually and emotionally. I became a better mother, partner, and friend. I had less anxiety and more excitement about life.

By the time I met this guy, I wasn’t a control freak anymore.

Looking back, if you had called me out for my toxic behaviour before my revelations, I would have denied it. I would have said, “I can’t help how I feel.” I would have blamed someone else for making me feel in a way that caused my atrocious behaviour. Feelings were something that I believed I had no control over.

I know better now. Feelings are caused by our thoughts, and our thoughts are the only thing we can control. Our thoughts control our feelings and our actions. When I realized this, my beliefs about the world were shattered. For awhile, I was deeply ashamed of my previous toxic behaviours. But over time, I was able to forgive myself. Now, I laugh and shake my head when I look back on it. I can’t believe that person was me.

I still catch myself reverting to control and manipulation tactics sometimes. When I catch it, I stop myself immediately and apologize, if necessary. I’ve come to the point where I don’t want the responsibility of controlling other people’s lives, especially my partner or my children’s. I trust them to make the right decisions for their individual journeys. If my partner disappoints me or my children make mistakes, I don’t take it personally.

I can’t change the past and the future is out of my control too. There is only one thing I have control over: my thoughts in this moment. After that, my thoughts control my feelings and actions. Learning this lesson was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank you with all my heart and may you rest in peace, Wayne Dyer.

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