THE NEW ME

Eleven years ago, I had a major surgery that changed my life. The surgeon told me that he would have to cut out 75% of my large intestine or I was going to die. I would have to live with an ileostomy – a poop bag, he explained – for four months and then they would reconnect me.

I hated the ileostomy. When I went for the reversal surgery, I thought I would kill myself if I awoke from that surgery and was told that they hadn’t been able to reverse me. After the reversal, I developed disabling rheumatoid arthritis in all the joints of my body. My children were 12, 7, and 1. My older children had to help me get dressed, turn door handles, and take care of the baby.

I spent a lot of time in hospitals over the years.

I tried every natural health treatment I could find and finally came upon one that worked for me. I began going years between flare ups and hospital visits. Until September 2019 when I developed a little infection in what was left of my lower intestine. That led to more infections and I soon found myself facing another surgeon. She told me I should get an ileostomy again. But I wasn’t having it.

One TBSP/day keeps my arthritis in remission.

I thought I could heal myself and tried my best. But three years into the almost constant infections, I knew I had little choice anymore. I could have a horrible quality of life and die young. Or I could potentially improve my quality of life and see my grandchildren be born and raised. The second option left me with a permanent poop bag.

I began to see every experience as “my last time without a bag.” I felt a deep grief for what I was about to lose. Would I be able to do my work anymore? Would my husband find me repulsive? Would I find myself repulsive?

Determined not to let this surgery devastate me. I posted what I was going through on Facebook. I wanted friends and family to know, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed when I saw them in the future.

A woman from my Toastmasters club reached out to me by messenger. She recommended a book called “Fighter” by former Canucks player, Aaron Volpatti. I thought the book might strengthen me during this difficult time. But it did a lot more than that. It gave me the tools to deal with any challenge I face for the rest of my life. It showed me how to really tap into the power of visualization.

This book changed my life forever.

I started following the steps in the book, creating a visualization script with a soundtrack. I saw myself waking up from the surgery. I smelled the antiseptic and heard the nurse ask me if I was in pain. I smiled at her. My visualization went on from there to other future events. In all of them, I sensed the bag on my stomach being a part of me. I saw myself achieving all of my dreams with an ileostomy.

After only a few mornings of doing this visualization every day, something changed inside me. My grief and fear left me. I began to feel like I had already had the surgery. I already had the bag, but it wasn’t a problem, because I visualized it not being a problem. Visualization allowed me to literally experience my surgery in a positive way before the live event.

I am happy to report that the surgery was a success. I don’t poop the old-fashioned way anymore. When I got home from the hospital, I took my first shower with my permanent bag. It wasn’t “my last times” anymore. Now, it was “my first times.” I looked down at my body and noticed, except for losing some weight, I still had the same feet. I still had the same legs and scarred stomach with no belly button. The only difference was the bag. Drying myself off, I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time trying to see the new me.

I’ve accepted myself, scars, bag, and all.

But all I saw was the old me. I was exactly the same. The bag was a small part of all the rest. Tears pricked my eyes because I was so very grateful to see that I was still beautiful. I didn’t repulse my self. If I could see my own beauty, then I knew everything was going to be okay.

Beyonce says: “The world will see you the way you see you and treat you the way you treat yourself.” I see and treat myself like I am a beautiful, powerful woman who has lost nothing and gained everything with this surgery. Visualization gave me the tools to achieve that. I'm so grateful to the woman who told me about Aaron's book and to Aaron for sharing his story. They are a part of my story now.

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