ASK ANNIE: HOW DO I START DATING AGAIN?

Dear Annie,

I was married for a very long time. Now I’m single and I don’t know how to date anymore. Talking to people I’m attracted to makes me nervous. Being naturally shy, I usually wait for other people to talk to me. How can I break out of my shell and learn to approach people confidently? I am getting older and I don’t want to be alone forever. What would you do if you were me?

Signed,

Forty and Afraid

Dear Forty and Afraid,

Thank you for your question. This is a common struggle for people coming out of long-term relationships, especially if the relationship wasn’t healthy.

The first thing to do is identify what your insecurities are. What are the things you tell yourself that hold you back from feeling confident? Examine your self-talk and start correcting yourself by turning self-recriminations into self-congratulations. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking something like – I’m not goodlooking enough; then change that to – I am beautiful and loving; a great catch for the right person. Identify your negative self talk and turn it into affirmations. Tell yourself things that you would say to someone you love. Practice loving yourself the way you want to love another person.

Next, figure out who you are and what you can be proud of about yourself. I find the best way to do this is to write a personal constitution where you list the values that you want to live by and then make a conscious effort to really live by them. Imagine what you would want people to say about you at your funeral and then list those values in your personal constitution. Read it daily and refer to it when you have a difficult problem.

Identify an interest or passion, if you haven’t already done that. It is a good way to get to know yourself too. This can be a creative pursuit, or you can volunteer for a cause you believe in; join a club or learn a new skill. There are lots of opportunities for growth and personal development. I like listening to audiobooks and talking about deep subjects with people who know more than I do about those subjects.

I always suggest getting healthy for any situation. Unhealthy food causes anxiety and exacerbates health problems that you may already be going through. Find a detox and nutrition program that works best for you. Personally, I enjoy intermittent fasting and eating a gluten-free, high-protein diet. Pick what works for you and begin to feel your best. You will be more confident when you prioritize your health. Food isn’t just for physical health, it is for mental health too.

Take pride in your appearance. Go as far as to throw away any clothes that make you look like a slob. Trim your body hair. Iron wrinkled clothes. Stand tall with good posture. Pay attention to how you may smell to others. Don’t douse yourself in cologne, because it’s too much scent for a lot of people to endure, but a little spritz of scent can be nice. Good hygiene is the most important factor.

Finally, you are ready to meet people, which means you need to go out and socialize. You can try online dating apps, of course. But either way, you will need to meet in person to find out if you’re compatible. Be willing to fail in this phase. Each time you meet someone and it doesn’t work out, you are closer to finding someone who is right for you. Don’t take rejections personally when they happen. Learn from the experience and keep trying. Try to enjoy the rejections as much as the successes, for they are a fun part of finding love too. There is a practice that some people actively engage in to get over rejection. Instead of dreading being rejected, they actively go out to find it. This is used in sales and can be applied to dating too. Rejection is not a reflection of you. It merely lets us know that this person is not the person for us.

And one more thing – believe in love. Believe that you deserve to be loved. Believe you will find someone who makes your heart glow and whose heart you make glow. Know it to be true and be open to it happening. You’ve got to take risks, including being vulnerable sometimes, in the pursuit of love. It’s absolutely worth it because if you don’t take risks, then you’re not really living. Live and love as much as you can. Giving love is how we find love. I wish you the best on this new and grand adventure.

Love Annie xoxo

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