BREAK UP IF THIS IS MISSING

Check out this fearless beauty, Tammy! She has been a dear friend of mine for almost 15 years. xoxo

I've always considered myself reasonably intelligent, but I have been extremely unreasonable when it comes to love and choosing partners. In other words, I haven't used reason at all. I've typically chosen partners based on my sexual attraction to them. I've always been able to see the good in people. So, even people who were, in retrospect, obvious bad choices, seemed like potential life-mates to me.

I was 27 when I met my ex-husband. We were complete opposites. The relationship started off rocky and nose-dived from there. But the sex was amazing. When all was said and done, I conceived two incredible humans with this man. We spent 13 years on and off together, during which time I never had sex with anyone else – even though we were separated for three years at one point. I continued to have ex-sex with him and that is how our youngest child came to be.

As miserable as our marriage was, I don't regret my relationship with my ex-husband. I wouldn't have two of my precious children if I hadn't devoted myself to him the way I did. I also wouldn't have grown spiritually and emotionally to such a degree if I hadn't gone through the pain of being committed to an impossible match. I learned from that relationship, and the ones before it, that my process for choosing partners was extremely faulty.

Choosing partners based on sexual attraction was a mistake. If I wanted peace and joy in a committed relationship, I reasoned that I would need to revise my methods for mate-seeking. The next time I met someone that I was extremely sexually attracted to…

…I jumped right in AGAIN. I made the same mistake all over again, even though I knew it was wrong. But this time, I got lucky. I think it was a little more than luck, to be honest. Although I wasn't using reason, I had fragile emotions that screamed for me to run away from negativity.

After my marriage and previous health challenges, I was extremely sensitive to any kind of toxic energy. There was no way I could even stand to be with someone who was negative, judgmental, angry, or otherwise made me feel sick to my stomach. I was so fragile that I was literally incapable of being around any kind of disrespectful bullshit.

This new man, Russ, was wonderfully positive. He always smiled and laughed. He could be serious too, but he was generally joyful and giving. He was the first partner I ever had that I felt like I could tell him anything. We regaled each other daily about the interesting people we met or talked to and shared stories about the little and big things we encountered along the way.

We laughed and shared joy with one another every single day. He was there for me when I needed him, helping me through a difficult time when my brother was recovering from an almost fatal assault. He was responsive and caring towards my children. He apologized when he felt it was necessary and he made me feel like spending time with me was a pleasure for him. In short, he taught me how to be friends with my lover. What an epiphany!

I found so much joy in the friendship I had with Russ that I finally understood what I had been doing wrong all along. I knew that I should not choose my partners based on sexual attraction, yet I didn't really know what to base my choice on.

Traditional advice is to choose lovers with similar values. Lots of my past partners had similar values to me. My ex-husband was a hard worker and good provider. He was responsible with money and there were other values I admired about him too.

But there was no friendship between us. We were not a partnership in any way. We clashed about everything from what we ate to how we raised the children. When he laughed, it sounded foreign. What I had been missing in past relationships was a sincere and enjoyable friendship. Once I had it, it was obvious to me that a relationship isn't worth being in without it.

Not only did I learn about the importance of friendship in a serious relationship, but Russ also taught me about friendships in general. I had always struggled with making and keeping friends. I didn't trust people and found social situations exhausting, especially after I developed chronic health challenges.

I found it was easier to be friends with men than women. But often they wanted sex from me and they always dropped our friendship the minute they got into serious relationships. They didn't want to make their new lovers jealous.

I found making and keeping friendships with women even more difficult. I've been sexually assaulted, emotionally abused, abandoned, and disrespected by men but they were rarely conniving or deceitful about it. I felt like women, on the other hand, consistently betrayed me. Women were nice to my face while trying to destroy me behind my back.

My whole life, I felt safer in friendships with men than women. But Russ showed me what a true friendship looks like. It became so obvious to me that I will never accept anything less in the future, whether I become friends OR lovers with men OR women.

Remarkably, the qualities of a good friend are really common sense traits. Russ taught me, through his example, what a good friend looks like and how to be a good friend myself. The following attributes are what I look for in potential friends and lovers now. They are also the traits I now strive to emulate.

WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO:

• Make you laugh.

• Say sorry and mean it.

• Make holidays fun.

• Let you know when they can't show up for you.

• Tell you they love you often and abundantly.

• Comfort you when you're sad.

• Lovingly call you on your shit.

• Defend you and have your back.

• Behave respectfully and kind.

• Do what they say they are going to do.

WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DON'T DO:

• Judge, criticize, or nitpick you.

• Send mixed signals about your importance to them.

• Bring high drama to your friendship.

• Gaslight you (make you out to be wrong or stupid or crazy in some way).

• Make cutting, underhanded comments that could be innocent but feel intentionally cruel.

• Trash talk you behind your back.

• Disrespect you jokingly or otherwise.

• Make you wish you didn't go on that expensive, horrible holiday.

• Cancel their plans with you or break their promises to you or others consistently.

There are likely many more qualities I haven't listed, but these are the only ones I need to know. I've learned, thanks to Russ, what a good friendship really looks like. I know how to choose my friends and lovers now. Even more importantly, I learned the importance of true friendship in our love relationships. I will never settle for anything less in the future.

Each of us has certain qualities we would like to prioritize in potential mates. For instance, we may look for stability, ambition, intelligence, or any other quality. But the most important thing we must look for is someone we can be best friends with.

Friendship leads to a stronger connection and a feeling of safety and joy in our relationships. Therefore, the top goal before beginning any relationship is to identify if the person is a good friend. If they aren't, wish them luck and move on. If they are, you've probably found someone very special.

Good friends don't grow on trees. Make sure you're a good friend right back to them and watch a beautiful relationship unfold. Squeeze every bit of joy out of it for as long as you can. Chances are, even if your relationship ends, your friendship may last forever.

Love Annie xoxo

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