DEMOLISH DEPRESSION BY DREAMING
I used to think that having dreams was bullshit. In my world, everyone knew that the poor get poorer and the rich get richer. The neighborhoods where I grew up were where dreams went to die. Surrounded by addiction and poverty, we were lucky if we could make ends meet from month to month. Sure, we were told as children that we could do and be anything. But I didn’t really believe it. I didn’t know anyone who had truly succeeded. The kinds of “success” that I saw around me were not the kinds of success I dreamed of. I wanted success that could buy my mom her dream home. I wanted success that could give me total freedom. I wanted to send my children to the best schools. I wanted a housekeeper and maybe a chef. I dreamed of being so wealthy one day that money would be no object to me.
As high school came to a close and years of post-secondary poverty lay before me, I felt at a loss as to how to reach my dreams. I was taught to pick a career, go to university, get a degree, and find a good job. I couldn’t see how going to university and working for someone else would enable me to build the massive wealth I dreamed of. Meanwhile, I had to steal some of my food to get by. The whole idea of wealth seemed impossible to me. I quit university and started working in the sex industry so I could at least have a livable income.
Baby stripper days.
That was almost thirty years ago. They flew by, those years, and I didn’t waste my time dreaming. The most I hoped for was a job with benefits, a happy marriage, and healthy children. Maybe one day I could own a home too. My small dreams seemed hard enough to achieve while I was young and healthy. Then I became suddenly disabled after a pharmaceutical injury. For a long time, I didn’t have the energy to dream about financial freedom. I dreamed of only one thing: getting my health back.
The problem was that I was stricken with a poverty mindset. Being disabled amplified my fear of being financially dependent on others. The sex industry was my safety net. I was able to make ends meet as an adult entertainer. In fact, I didn’t think that I could earn a livable income any other way. My limited beliefs about what I could achieve held me back. I thought I was too sick and too old to have dreams.
Fast forward to 2022 when I lost my mind to COVID mania. I thought soldiers might break down my door any day and force jab me and my family. Due to my previous experiences with pharmaceuticals, I was terrified of the jab. It felt surreal when my family was kicked out of restaurants, but how far was my government willing to go to get us all injected? I didn’t know and it fucked with my head. I was in a constant state of anxiety, trying to provide a stable environment for my children who were also suffering from the mental strain of isolation and division. I knew I had to pull myself together for my family but I didn’t know how.
Signs like this made my heart race.
That’s when I received a random youtube link in my messaging app from someone I barely knew. I clicked on the link and it took me to “The Game of Life and How to Play It” by Florence Scovel Shinn. The voice of the narrator and the words that came out of her mouth immediately calmed me.
Over the next few weeks, I let go of my anger towards others. I experienced a powerful, spiritual release. Florence’s words about forgiveness cut my heart wide open. Tears ran down my face as I mentally forgave each person and institution that I felt resentment towards. After that book, I searched for more like it. When I ran out of spiritual books that calmed me, I began looking for business books. I needed something to distract me from my fears.
I needed to pull myself together for my children.
We barely left the house at that time, but one day, I took my 11-year-old daughter to the bookstore. We dutifully muzzled up to enter the place we loved most. While my daughter browsed the graphic novels, I headed over to the self-help section. There were two books sitting on the shelf that I had heard of, but I’d never read. Well, there was no time like the present. I couldn’t choose which one to get, and they weren’t too expensive, so I got them both.
I purchased: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki. Those books gave me my first glimpse into how people achieve their dreams and build wealth. I was shocked that the roadmap to achieving my dreams had been out there all along. I simply hadn’t looked for it. I studied the process realizing that reaching my dreams wouldn’t be accomplished overnight and I had wasted thirty years!
I suddenly understood that it was my lack of dreaming that had held me back for so long. Instead of believing in my dreams, I had blamed the government, the patriarchy, colonialism, and whatever else I could think of for my poverty. It hadn’t ever occurred to me to study how OTHERS had built wealth. It was a revelation. I was 48 years old and I was finally ready to dream again. (Thank you crazy COVID for giving me this gift.)
Once I gave myself permission to dream, things got really intense... in a good way. My fears about COVID became secondary to my pursuit of learning . I began to incorporate the habits and beliefs I needed to start reaching for my dreams. I threw myself into my study of high achievers, finding ways to emulate them in the pursuit of my own dreams.
Once I started this process, it became easy to focus on my dreams rather than the chaos of the external world, which I had no control over. My anxiety wasn’t helping me to make the world a better place. If anything, I was adding to the chaos, behaving like a triggered, block-happy victim; making knee-jerk, emotional decisions about who I could and couldn’t trust. I didn’t want to live that way, hating myself and everyone around me. I finally understood that it was time to get intentional about my life.
The first key was to dream. I had to ask myself with an open heart, “If money wasn’t a concern and nothing was stopping me, what would my life be like?” I filled a written page with my dreams. I would live on a lake where my children and grandchildren could come to stay whenever they want. It would be an oasis for my loved ones. I’d finally buy my mom her dream home. I would have a passive income through real estate investments and selling digital products online. I’d be a published, bestselling author. I’d fund all of the projects and organizations that I believe in. I’d help so many. It felt amazing to dream!
Next, I had to learn how to create goals. I couldn’t believe that at my age I didn’t have this simple but very necessary skill. Looking at my highest dreams, I asked myself which ones I could potentially achieve in one year? I picked three of them.
1. Write a memoir about my experiences in the adult entertainment industry.
2. Create a passive income by selling digital products online.
3. Learn to grow food.
After determining those one-year goals, I broke them down into smaller goals that added up to each larger one. Write one chapter per month. Research platforms for selling digital products. Get a friend to teach me how to start and maintain a garden … and so on. I started waking at 5 AM, before my children got up for school, to work on my memoir. I built a garden with the help of a friend. I learned about platforms like Patreon and Only Fans, where people can sell content and build subscribership.
Coming in October 2024!
Over the course of the next year, I accomplished all three of my dreams. I wrote my memoir. I learned how to start and maintain a garden. I also sold some products online. I earned enough to pay for about one coffee per month. LOL!
I didn’t feel closer to being financially free but I did feel an incredible sense of accomplishment. I proved to myself that I could set goals and achieve them. My dreams felt a little less impossible. Then I began practicing visualization. When people tell you how powerful visualization is, believe them!
Each morning, before anyone else was up, I spent a few moments visualizing myself living in my dream home. I saw myself waking up in my king-size bed and looking out my floor-to-ceiling bedroom windows at the lake. I saw a small fire on the beach and my partner standing out there with a coffee in his hands. I crept through the French doors and walked off the porch and down the path towards the beach. I joined my partner for a coffee. Then I bathed in my brightly lit bathroom, lounging in a clawfoot bathtub. I saw the kids coming for a visit in the evening and a group of us wading into the water for a late-night swim.
The beach has always been my happy place.
These visualizations were so vivid that sometimes I became emotional. Tears of gratitude would fill my eyes. It was like I already lived in my dream house on the lake because I spent time there every morning. The key to visualizing is to engage all of your senses. I felt the sand between my toes. I shivered as cold water crept higher, while wading into the lake. I felt my partners arms around me and listened to my children laughing. I smelled the logs burning in the fire and my eyes watered when the smoke drifted my way. This dream of living in a lake house began to not only feel possible; it began to feel inevitable.
Fast forward to now… March 2024. Have I achieved what I set out to do? Am I living in my dream home on a lake? No, I am not. But I am a published, best-selling author. Selling digital products online amounts to a nice lunch out once a month now. It’s better than a coffee. Ha!
I never imagined I would reach my dream of becoming a bestselling author!
The goal when I stumbled onto this notion of chasing my dreams was to escape the mental pressure of living in fear of things that were out of my control. I had to let go of the things I had no control over, like the government, the economy, and all the other external conditions of my life. I had to take responsibility for lifting myself up. Mentally, I’ve never been stronger. So, yes, I have achieved what I set out to do. I got myself out of despair. I demolished my depression by dreaming.
Now, I live each day with intention, knocking off small goals that lead to big goals. Despite a hell of a past year, struggling with devastating health challenges and getting a permanent ostomy, I have never been happier or more hopeful for the future. What I’m trying to tell you is: Go chase your fucking dreams already!
Love Annie xoxo
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