WHAT THE F*CK IS INTIMACY?

What is intimacy to you? Is it sex? Is it something that can only be experienced with a person you love? Or is it something that can be shared with many, sexually or otherwise? Do you resist intimacy out of fear? Has trusting others enough to be vulnerable with them hurt you before? What if you could be vulnerable without opening yourself up to devastation?

Each of us comes to the subject of intimacy with our own ideas about what it really means. A wife who has lost interest in sex, feels that it is the lack of intimacy in the relationship that has turned her off. Her partner considers her lack of interest in sex as a lack of interest in intimacy. It means something different to both of them. They develop resentments because their intimacy expectations are not being met.

Internet definitions of “intimacy” define it as a noun, a thing. This suggests that it is something we either have or we don’t have. Something we have to get somehow, if we want it, and then once we’ve got it, keep it somehow.  Closeness, sex, belonging. Internet definitions of intimacy are vague enough to include all of these things. There is an emphasis on intimacy as something private, most often between two lovers; or scandalous, as in the faux pas of “sharing intimacies” with others. That’s what we call “TMI” (Too Much Information) these days. We are socially discouraged from spreading our intimacies everywhere. Yet, spreading our animosities seems to be totally acceptable.

After years of working in the sex industry and suffering devastating health challenges along the way, I have my own views about intimacy. My experience has taught me that intimacy is not something that you either have or don’t have. It’s not even something you have to “get.” I’ve learned that intimacy is something much more profound than that, and if we want it to come naturally, then keeping it between two lovers is a terrible mistake. Intimacy is meant to be spread like a wild, contagious disease. Intimacy is fluid, only to be captured in action.

Who’s Got My Intimacy?!

Throughout my life, I struggled to get my intimacy needs met. Even when a relationship started out wonderful, it soon became a dud. I was what people call a serial monogamist. I left each relationship in search of a new one that would meet my intimacy needs. I desired to feel seen, appreciated, desired, loved, cherished, respected, and be physically touched. However I saw intimacy as a want, not a need.

Boy, was I wrong about that. Intimacy is definitely a need. It wasn’t until I became a sensual masseuse that I learned what intimacy truly is. It’s not something you have or don’t have and it isn’t something you have to “get.” It isn’t only available between lovers or even only between people who know each other. Even strangers can experience intimacy with one another. I learned that intimacy can be created in almost any situation, if at least one of us knows how to make it happen.

I stumbled upon it. Every adult entertainer provides their services in the way that is intuitive and comfortable for them. I am a nurturer. My love languages are touch and words of affirmation. I am nonjudgmental and loving to all. It was natural for me to become an intimacy provider. Clients who love me return again and again because I make them feel seen, appreciated, desired, loved, cherished, respected, and I touch them. It seems that I am not the only one who has lacked these “intimacies” in my life.

Honestly, it is shocking to me how starved for intimacy many of my clients are. They aren’t just there for the massage. They want to tell me about their lives and share their struggles and joys with me. They often tell me that my conversation and free hugs are the main reason they keep coming back.

As a Community Support Worker, working in non-profits, there were rules against having personal relationships with clients. We had to keep things “professional.” In my work as an intimacy provider, the personal relationship is my profession. I learned that it actually is possible to have both a personal and professional relationship with clients. I also learned a lot about creating and building intimacy with strangers. It fascinates me and I find myself spreading my intimacy skills to general life. All of my close relationships have blossomed.

The Importance of Intimacy

The social isolation that came with COVID brought this into even more clarity for me. At the time, I didn’t have any friends that I’d spend time with regularly. I got all of my social intimacy needs met in small bursts at work and by showing up to places and leaving when I wanted. I didn’t make plans with people because I am naturally a loner and often find one-on-one social situations draining. But when COVID hit, there was suddenly no place to “drop into” anymore. The bit of fellowship I got with familiar store clerks was gone now too. People mumbled through their masks, keeping chitchat to a minimum. The stark lack of intimacy between me and my fellow humans affected me deeply, which I never would have suspected. That was when I realized that intimacy is a need, not a want.

SPREAD THE LOVE

Recognizing how lack of intimacy can impact people to devastating effects and then adding the fact that the main thing my clients were trying to “get” was intimacy; a realization came over me that we are doing intimacy all wrong. We look for one “someone” to take care of all our intimacy needs. But that is impossible, because we have intimacy needs with everyone we meet. We literally NEED to feel connected to our fellow humans. WE NEED TO BE INTIMATE WITH EVERYONE!

The healing of our broken society must be accomplished through meaningful human connections. We must learn the art of intimacy with not just our loved ones, for which we are failing miserably, but we must learn to build intimacy with the strangers in our lives, as well. The good news? It might take two or more people to have a connection, but it only takes one person who knows what they’re doing to build a connection. Imagine if we could build meaningful connections every day with the majority of the people we meet!? We can. It even comes naturally after a while.

I imagine an electrical grid of love energy. Each and every one of us is a love generator and we are connected to one another in the grid. Some of us are completely broken and don’t work anymore. Some are us are sending out and receiving love energy at a rapid rate, keeping others alive, who aren’t totally broken yet but are wearing down. Those of us who are completely broken dim the energy of those around us. The broken cannot be healed until we make the choice to heal. However, we can be inspired by others, with whom we continue to be connected, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Practicing intimacy with any and all is a way to heal together, collectively. Intimacy is contagious. It spreads from me to you to them, and so on. I’m not talking about fucking, but certainly, I urge you to be a fucking healer, if that is the path you feel called to. I’m talking about BEING THE ESSENCE OF INTIMACY; carrying it with us wherever we go and spreading it like a beautiful, fucking disease. We can heal ourselves and our society together.

In the process, we become less needy. Enjoy our lives more. Feel less lonely and more appreciated. Heal division. Spread joy. Become more courageous. Impact others. And, in the pursuit of it all, find the intimacy we crave. It’s something we do, not something we get. It belongs to everyone, not just our romantic partners. We can give it away to all.

Let’s start an intimacy revolution.

Love Annie

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