HARNESSING A LOVE THAT HEALS

I thought that unconditional love was a myth. I didn't remember feeling unconditionally loved by my parents. I remembered feeling like I disappointed them; like I was unacceptable to them. As time went on, I began to feel disappointed in and less accepting of them. I felt like there were conditions on their love for me and I had come to place conditions on my love for them, as well. I thought: How can I unconditionally love someone who I consider to be unacceptable? How can I unconditionally love myself after all of the horrible things I have done? And most of all, how can someone else unconditionally love me with all my ugliness, inside and out? Unconditional love seemed impossible.

It seemed like a myth. Yet, I still longed for it. I even caught myself testing people to see if they "really" loved me. For example, when I was 21 years old, I made a joke I can't even remember about shaving my head. My boyfriend at the time reacted indignantly, saying that he would "dump" me if I ever shaved my head. I took that as a challenge. The next time he saw me, my hair was chopped off. I exchanged my curls for a crewcut and he was SHOCKED. But he did not break up with me. I saw this as proof that he "really" loved me.

Years later, when I had children, I learned for the first time what it felt like to be unconditionally loved. I was the center of my children's universe. It didn't matter if my face was covered in zits, or I was disabled and confined to a bed. No matter what I said or did, or didn't say or didn't do, my children loved me. It was incredible to be loved that way. During those long months and years of severe illness, my body was immobilized but my mind was active.

I often reflected upon the great love that existed between me and my children, as well as the great divide that existed between me and my husband. I felt like I was never good enough in his eyes. I tried to love him unconditionally, even though I felt his conditions like a noose around my neck. What I needed to do was set a boundary. Our relationship was toxic. It was best for us both when we separated. Freed from that emotional bondage, I was able to explore more closely what unconditional love really looks like. I realized that unconditional love has six key components that I could identify. It is constant, nonjudgmental, unoffended, selfless, forgiving, and accepting. Allow me to explain…

Constant

Unconditional love does not ebb and flow depending on the day or situation. It burns in the background of our consciousness as a welcome beacon for the people we love, no matter where they are or how unreachable. I practiced the constancy of my love for my partner when he disappeared for days or weeks at a time on drug binges. When a family member stopped talking to me, my love for them did not flicker. When I learned that someone I love committed an offence that greatly disturbed me, my love for them continued. When we practice unconditional love, we don't take it away because of something someone said or did.

Nonjudgmental

Despite having what I would call ‘loving’ parents, I still never felt unconditionally loved by anyone. I felt negatively judged and rejected by most of the people in my life. I felt like their love depended on my words and actions. If I wanted to practice unconditional love, I knew that I must learn not to negatively judge or reject people when they make decisions I disagree with. In fact, I would say that negatively judging people or rejecting them based on their behaviour is conditional by its very nature.

Easier said than done. The first thing we do, as humans, is judge every situation and person we encounter. The key for me is to practice judging people with empathy and giving them the benefit of the doubt. People are flawed - myself included. When I feel the urge to judge, I remember all the fucking ridiculous things I've done. I am a good person – most of us are. Yet, all of us do stupid shit that we regret. Remembering our own imperfections makes it easier to reserve judgment against others. I can now say, "That's fucked up and I don't understand it. But I am not going to judge you for it."

Unoffended

Being unoffended is the opposite of taking things personally. It means we don't feel devastated when someone we love lashes out at us or ghosts us. If we haven’t done anything that we need to apologize for, or if the person we need to apologize to hasn’t told us what we did, it’s really out of our control. All we can do is respect the boundaries of the person who is attacking us and be ready for them when they want us back in their lives. Sometimes, for chronic abusers, we have to let them go with love entirely because of their toxic impact on our lives.

We also must learn to let it go when people don't take our advice. Most people won’t take our advice. As someone who has struggled with thinking I know what’s best for everyone, I used to get really upset when people would ask me for advice and then not take it. Now, I offer my advice, knowing that it’s completely out of my hands. It’s not personal. They are dealing with their situation the best way THEY know how and I have to respect their journey.

Selfless

When I practice unconditional love, it is not for me; it is for the person I love. I cannot give it expecting something in return. I cannot say: "You're never there for me when I need you!" I cannot feel sorry for myself when you don't call when I’m practicing unconditional love. I can miss you. I can wish things that aren’t part of our current reality. But my unconditional love is not for me, it is for you. Therefore, it is not dependent on what you can do for me. In fact, it is not dependent on anything except my willingness and ability to give it to you.

Forgiving

I have learned that, at least for me, it is impossible to love a person unconditionally when I cannot forgive them. Forgiveness, it turns out, is a key component of unconditional love. It means letting go of the anger and pain caused by the past. For me to learn to unconditionally love my parents again, like I had as a child, I had to forgive them for the resentments I carried within me. Once I truly forgave them, my relationships with them blossomed. I've learned that not only is it possible to forgive, but it's also possible to rekindle unconditional love for people who have hurt us in the past. For me, being able to forgive has been truly liberating on the level of a spiritual awakening. Forgiveness is powerful and transformative for the person DOING the forgiving.

Accepting

In the context of unconditional love, acceptance is about honouring the journey our loved ones take. We recognize that we cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. We have control over whether we unconditionally love someone but we do not have control over what they do, think, or say. In our complete and total acceptance of them, we naturally accept whatever comes. We accept feeling broken-hearted without making it our loved one's problem. We accept that our paths are parting, if that is the case. We accept that our partner has quirks or kinks that don't include us or we accept that our child has lied because they feared our reaction. Our reaction is acceptance when we practice unconditional loving.

Acceptance extends to the ending of a relationship. It allows us to let go with love rather than anger and resentment. Acceptance is the bittersweet medicine of unconditional love that enables us to keep going when our hearts are broken, reminding us that we are alive and capable of deep love and deep grief.

I used to think that unconditional love was a myth. Now, it is the only love I believe in. All other kinds of love pale in comparison. People often tell me they feel safe in my presence. They don't know why they feel this way, but I know. It is because I love them unconditionally. It's my default setting now. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The ability to love unconditionally does not happen overnight. It requires practicing constancy, nonjudgment, being unoffendable, selflessness, forgiveness, and acceptance. Perhaps the most transformative power it holds is that it teaches us to have the grace required to love ourselves unconditionally and to accept it when it's offered by others. Life becomes incredibly rewarding when we practice giving and receiving unconditional love.

Love Annie xoxo

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