LETTING GO WITH LOVE

The first time I had a boyfriend break up with me, I was 15 years old and heartbroken. I wrote a long, heartfelt letter about how much I loved him, how good we were together. I added that I had lost my virginity to him and went on the birth control pill for him. I gave him the letter with hope in my eyes. When I saw him in the highschool hallway a few hours later, he crumpled my letter in front of me and threw it on the ground. He said, "Don't try and guilt me into staying together with you." I was shocked … and ashamed. I picked up the letter before anyone else could read it. I hadn't realized it until he pointed it out but he was right. I was trying to guilt him into taking me back. The truth was humiliating. It also made me ask myself, why would I want to be with someone who I had to guilt into being with me? Lesson learned.

The first time I wanted to break up with a boyfriend, it was not long after that fateful letter-writing fiasco. I was still in high school. My newer boyfriend was very sweet. I had no real reason to break up with him except that I had lost interest. However, he had confessed that he was in love with me. I was scared to hurt him. I devised a plan to start a fight, escalate it as much as possible, then use it as an excuse to break up. Poor guy. He didn't see it coming. He cried and asked me why, over and over. I couldn't be honest, that I just wasn't interested anymore. I'd never had healthy role models to show me what a respectful breakup looked like.

When I was 18 years old, I met and fell in love with a man who I will forever think of as my "first true love." We lived together for two years but we did not have a healthy relationship. We fought and broke up all of the time. It was usually me breaking up with him to punish him, but when he said he wanted to break up with me one time, I had an automatic reaction that truly surprised me. Ever since the letter fiasco, I had kept a hard shell around my heart. I swore I would never shame myself again by begging for someone's love. Yet, I did precisely that. I began crying and begging my boyfriend not to leave me. I saw how his power over me made him feel stronger, but I couldn't seem to help myself. Even though I told myself to stop humiliating myself, it was like I was watching the movie of some other woman crying and begging. It was a surreal experience that proved how programmed we are when situations like these present themselves.

As time went on, all of my relationships ended with anger, and even hate. I stayed in toxic relationships, attempting to control my partners and change them, until things got so bad that I hated them. In every case, I thought I was in the right and they were in the wrong. I didn't take responsibility for my own part in creating our toxic relationships. It took a spiritual awakening, a devastating pharmaceutical injury, and the end of my marriage for me to to start being accountable for my own life. The biggest takeaway was that I would never stay in a toxic relationship again. Once the good days were over, I would let go with love – end the relationship respectfully with gratitude for the good times we'd shared – before feelings of hate would inevitably end the relationship anyway.

But how do we know when to end the relationship and what does the process of letting go with love look like? I can only tell you what it looks like for me. I imagine that it may look different for you. But you, like me, probably didn't have role models to teach you. Perhaps if I share how I do it, you can develop your own process. This is how I do it …

When Is It Over?

The years I spent bedridden and / or hospitalized made me realize how very precious each and every day of our existence is. Health and life can be taken away in a moment, when we least expect it. For that reason, I don't want to spend a single day unhappy, if I can help it. I know that when I'm single, it's very rare for me to have a bad day because I treat myself good and I have built a community of loved ones around me. When I'm in a romantic relationship, however, my partner's behaviour and moods can strongly impact whether I have a good day or a bad day. I'm not crazy. I know that there will be bad days no matter what my love life is like. Therefore, my goal is to make sure that the good days far outweigh the bad days.

When my relationship is good, most days look pretty happy. I can say to myself, "I'm grateful to have this person in my life." When my relationship is suffering, I can say to myself, "I don't like how this feels and I will not stay in a place where I continue to feel this way." And so, it really is a matter of me looking at how good TODAY was with my partner, or friend for that matter. If it was a good day, then I am happy to keep this person in my life until tomorrow. But as bad days begin to pile up, I know that we either need to fix the relationship or end it. Some things can't be fixed, unfortunately. If it's time for the relationship to end, then I ask myself, "How can I let go with love and end this relationship respectfully?"

Prepare Mentally and Materially

Letting go with love is much easier than letting go with anger in some ways because it feels more authentic and less toxic. However, it is also harder because it's extremely difficult to break up with someone you still love. To prepare for the break up, I start building a life that doesn't include my partner. I figure out the logistics on my end and ask myself how I can support my partner in this process, especially if we live together. For instance, how can I help him learn to do the things that I usually do for him? I also start learning to do things for myself that my partner usually does for me. I figure out finances and make a plan. I think of things I will do when I'm single to help me through the unfamiliar aloneness that occurs in the beginning. I start reaching out to friends and family more and engaging in activities I can do alone that make me happy more. In summary, I mentally and materially prepare myself for the break up.

Write Down The Reasons

When breaking up with someone we love, it can be easy to forget why we wanted to break up in the first place. Their behaviour may improve as they try to prove themselves to us and win us back. When I know that the relationship still must end, I write down my reasons why. I refer back to my list when I'm feeling weak to remind myself why I cannot continue the relationship. Examples of reasons might be:

• There have too many days in a row of unhappiness. I don’t want to waste my life anymore.

• My home will be more peaceful when the relationship ends.

• I will have less stress in my life.

• It will take time for me to heal from my heartbreak, but eventually I will heal, and I won't have to go through this pain over and over again anymore.

I keep my reasons in a journal so I can refer back to them when I'm feeling weak.

Engage in Respectful Communication

When I am ready, I calmly, respectfully, and lovingly explain to my partner why I want to break up. I don't lash out at them. I simply acknowledge that circumstances require the relationship to come to an end. I communicate that I am seeking peace, not ending love, and that I will still love the person; I just can't be with them anymore. When I have had this conversation, I've been very honest about my feelings and focused on what I want to create in my life – peace and love. I also wish my soon-to-be ex-partner the best life – and I truly mean it. I know it will hurt to see them with someone else, but I will get through it. I don't engage in blame and anger because those are activities we engage in when we want to try and control our partners and force them to behave the way we want. The truth is, we can't control others. We can only control ourselves. When a partner has proven to me that the relationship will continue to bring unpeace and pain to my life, it is up to me to end it. Otherwise, I will continue to experience the unpeace and pain that the relationship brings.

Alternate Between Finding Distractions and Leaning Into the Pain

When I am letting go with love, I look for things to distract me from my anxiety and heartache. For me, this includes things like cleaning my house, watching movies, volunteering, spending time with friends. Honestly, the activities that take me out of my home are the best. Staying still is difficult for me when my heart hurts. I have to move around. Going to the gym, dancing around the kitchen while I make dinner, and chatting on zoom are other ways I distract myself. I know that as time goes on, the pain will eventually ease or end. The key is to keep myself as busy and distracted as I can in the meantime.

When distraction is impossible, I know it's time to be with my pain and allow myself to feel it fully. I remind myself that my pain is proof of the great love I have for the person I am breaking up with. It is as beautiful as it is tragic. One could say it is tragically beautiful.

Be Grateful

To let go with love, I find it is imperative for me to focus on the gratitude I have for the good times I've shared with my partner. Letting go with love means that I forgive them for the pain or unpeace that I experienced in the relationship. I let it go and wish them the best. I thank them for everything they have done and been to me because I honour the wonderful impact they've had on my life. The bad times don't disappear, obviously. But I no longer have to fear those experiences recurring because the relationship is ending. Therefore, I can put the bad feelings in the past and be grateful for the good times we shared.

LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE

When the end of a relationship is upon me, I find that the best way to get through it is to think of all the things I will gain by being single. Obviously, the peace I am seeking will return to my life. But I will also have more opportunities to get out and meet people. I will be able to flirt with whomever I want. I won’t have to check in with a partner for every decision I make. When I left my children’s father, I looked forward to the weekends that I could rest and regenerate while my ex had the kids over at his place. More time with friends and family. Less mess to clean up. There are lots of wonderful things about being single that I think about to help me through the breakup. Having a positive view of the future helps me to let go with love, rather than fear and resentment.

When Our Partners Don't Cooperate

Some people won't let us break up with them. Some won't allow us to have a respectful parting of ways. With some people, we may fear to break up with them because they may become malicious or violent. They may try to destroy our reputation or worse. Some people will try anything to keep us including threats to take our children or to hurt people we love. It is not always possible to let go with love in such circumstances. We may have to take drastic steps to escape from abusive relationships. If you have a partner who will not allow you to let go with love, it is a sign that you really should end the relationship. They do not respect you. Get out of the relationship as safely and strategically as possible, with support from your friends or even agencies, if needed.

"I'm sorry, we have to break up because I'm in love with someone else… me."

CHANGE YOUR MIND

In process of letting go with love, sometimes we DO decide to give our partners another chance. Sometimes it takes a big upset in the relationship to open up communication and move the relationship towards healing and peace again. I don’t beat myself up for changing my mind. If I decide that keeping my partner will make my life better tomorrow than being single, and I’m willing to take the risk of being hurt again by my partner - I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t apologize to friends or family for changing my mind. What I have with my partner is between us. It is nobody else’s business. Our journey together is personal and it is not subject to any rules. Changing my mind has happened and it brought me years more of happiness. Letting go with love can sometimes bring life back to a relationship. I try to enjoy while I can because today is all we have.

CHOOSE YOU

Letting go with love is vulnerable, authentic, and respectful. We don't have to experience the terrible feelings that accompany anger and blame. We are acknowledging that love still exists and deep down we don't want the relationship to end. We just know that it has to. The good news is that ending a relationship this way is beautiful. It means that we can be friends with our exes. We can walk away from a relationship without feeling jaded by it or carrying resentment. And each of us can leave feeling respected rather than attacked. We can honour the special bond that we had together, be grateful for the wonderful moments we shared, and let go with love. I highly recommend it the next time your broken heart tells you it's time to choose you.

I used to think I had to save everyone. No matter how much my partners hurt me, I stayed because I believed I could heal their brokenness. I don't do that anymore because I've decided to love myself more. I’ve learned that I cannot heal another person’s brokenness, because they must do it for themselves. I want to make sure that MY brokenness heals. Only I can create the life that I want to live; a life of peace and happiness every day. I will never stay in a toxic relationship that brings me pain and unpeace ever again. Instead, I will let go with love, thank them for the beauty we shared, and rebuild a life that prioritizes a deeper love for myself. I deserve it and you do too.

Love Annie xoxo

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