HOW COULD YOU?

I’ll tell you how.

They asked me.

How could you take your clothes off on stage in a strip club full of rowdy men?

How could you brazenly show your face in the media, admitting you’re a sex worker?

How could you break up with your husband to become a single mother while chronically ill and disabled?

How could you share nude photos of your body at your age, with all your scars, no belly button, and an ostomy?

How could you impose yourself on others, in your pursuit of becoming a bestselling author?

How could you share vulnerable stories about yourself publicly with others?

How could you stand up for what you believe in when everyone else is against you?

How could you?

They asked me: “Are you fearless?”

I replied; “I’m afraid to let my fears control me."

My back was turned when the neighbour’s Pitbull, Cocoa, came scrambling down the stairs and headed into my front yard, straight for the 5-year-old playing there. “He’s attacking her,” someone said. It felt surreal as I turned around and saw the horrific scene playing out. My boyfriend’s little sister screamed and covered her face as Cocoa sank his teeth into the back of her head, flinging her around like a rag doll. Blood was everywhere.

Reeling in shock, time unraveled slowly as I ran to them. Mindlessly, I attempted to pry the dog’s teeth from the little girl’s head. Between her screams and his growls, I felt helpless. Suddenly, the world flipped. I found myself on my back being dragged across the yard by my leg. Cocoa had turned on me. I could see there was a crowd gathering on the street. My boyfriend came running out of the house. He grabbed the Pitbull by his jowls and lunged up and down until he released me. The owner put a collar and leash on him. My boyfriend’s little sister still lay on the ground crying and bleeding.

In those horror-movie moments, I was the only one who immediately ran towards the danger. Everyone else froze. I’ve learned in my life, that most of the time people freeze. Sometimes people flee. Sometimes we fight. As a child growing up in a rough neighborhood, my dad taught me to fight. I was always the smallest, but Dad told me to never back down. It was better to get my ass kicked, than to chicken out, he said. Fortunately, I didn’t get my ass kicked very often. My parents raised me to never show weakness. Hide my tears. Hide my fear. Appearing fearless isn’t the same as being fearless. But it carries the same power. I learned to, “Fake it till you make it.”

Annie was raised to never show weakness.

I knew I was different from most people when I started stripping and soon after got into activism. I realized that I had courage that most people didn’t have. First, I had the courage to become an exotic dancer exposing myself on stages in strip clubs and to the stigma of working in the sex industry. Then I had the courage to create a website for exotic dancers giving them permission to enjoy their jobs; a very unpopular opinion then and now. I had the courage to be a face-out advocate in the media, despite enduring public criticism and ridicule. I didn’t hide from bullies as a child, and I wasn’t going to as an adult either.

I could see that most people allow their fear of being judged to silence them. Most people also fear change. I feared staying the same. I wondered why I was different. I wondered why my friends did not behave like me. I asked them: “How could you stay in that job / marriage / situation that you hate?”

“Because…” they’d say. They were afraid to leave.

I always wondered, what made me different. Why was I able to take risks and face bullies? What made me brave enough to do things that most people would be too terrified to do? Then I read a book called, “Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter” by Curtis Jackson, AKA 50 Cent. In his book, he said most people are comfortable in their fear. He said, they would rather stay in their fear, than face it down because they’re comfortable there. Curtis Jackson said he was different because he was UNCOMFORTABLE in his fear.

A lightbulb went off in my head. Curtis Jackson had put into words how I feel. I, too, am uncomfortable in my fear. I want to kill the fear. I want to confront and overcome it. I must banish the fear. I finally knew the answer to that question I’m often asked, “How could you…?”

The answer is, “I have to.”

Scars and missing belly button are safely hidden in this photo, covered by Annie’s hand for extra camouflage.

Still, it hasn’t been easy. For instance, it took me a long time to accept my body after a life-saving surgery I had in 2012. My scars and missing belly button made me feel hideous. Although I returned to the adult entertainment industry, I posed in nude photos in such a way as to hide my scars. I turned down photographers because I didn’t want them to see what I really looked like naked. I hated feeling insecure about my body. I faced those fears when I started a Fan Page. I thought, if people will pay to see my old, scarred body; then maybe I’m not so hideous after all. People, indeed, paid to see my content and I began to see my own beauty again. I also stopped hiding my scars.

Then, a few months ago, I was faced with another body-altering surgery. I would have a permanent ileostomy. Fears assaulted me. I feared that people wouldn’t think I was beautiful anymore. I feared that I wouldn’t think I was beautiful anymore. It had been a long hard battle to get to my confidence back already. I didn’t want to feel insecure again. Determined to conquer my fear, one of the first things I did after my surgery was take a naked photo of myself. Then, as soon as I was recovered enough, I booked my first post-surgery photo shoot. I would not hide my ostomy, I decided.

“Bag? What bag?” Annie’s first photoshoot post-surgery. She was determined not to let her fears control her.

I was afraid to share my photos. Would people think I was gross? Would people think I was trying to get attention? Would people feel sorry for me? These were the reactions I feared the most. But I feared being ashamed of my body even more. When I pressed the submit button on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, I had no idea what to expect. My scantily-clad body with my ostomy bag was now out there for the world to see.

Almost immediately, I received an unbelievable outpouring of gratitude and love. “Thank you for your courage,” people said. I’d been wanting to design a coaching business. Now, people were asking me to coach them. It seemed like destiny. But what exactly was my destiny? What was it that people could learn from me that they couldn’t learn from reading a book or from another life coach?

And then, it hit me. My unique experiences of growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, becoming an adult entertainer, suffering through life-threatening health challenges, and sharing my unpopular opinions in the media have combined to make me an expert on living fearlessly. As I’ve grown wiser and become more self-aware, I’ve turned to certain philosophies and tools to help me live as fearlessly as I possibly can. Some of the ideas and techniques I want to share include:

·         Why it’s important to seize the day

·         What is the one thing we control

·         Imagining worst case scenarios

·         How to remember who you are

·         How to recognize true beauty

·         How to let go with love

These are just a few of the weapons in my arsenal for fearless living. You can read more about my fearless philosophies at THIS LINK. I am very excited to share these tools with you. Everything I have been through and everything I’ve done have led me to this moment. Prepare to live fearlessly and allow me to celebrate with you each fearless step we take together.

It’s amazing what a community can build together.

INFLUENCER TEAM

As part of my Fearless Vision for the future, I’m putting together an influencer team. It’s a group of us who cheer each other on and support each other’s dreams on a more business-oriented level. An example of how we could do that is: we could share each other’s social media posts on the platform we prefer most. Another example would be to provide products or services to each other in return for testimonials and reviews. No one will be required to do anything they don’t want to do or don’t have time to do. An ask will go out from the group and if any of us can help, we will. Simple as that.

If you are interested in the Influencer Team, please send me an email. What do you think? Do you think it would be amazing to have other business professionals lifting up your brand or helping you achieve your goals in some way?

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO ATTENDED AND/OR PARTICIPATED IN MY 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY! I WILL SHARE PHOTOS AND UPDATES IN A FUTURE BLOG POST!

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