Annie can help you build your “fearlessness” muscles.

Are you comfortable in your fear?

Curtis Jackson (also known as 50 Cent) says in his book, “Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter,” that most people are comfortable in our fear. We’re so comfortable that the majority of us fail to achieve our dreams in preference to living in fear. Taking risks is scary. Fear of failure is epidemic. Living in fear is comfortable for most of us. Curtis Jackson, on the other hand, says that he is uncomfortable in his fear. For him, it’s more comfortable to face his fears, no matter how scary they are. This is coming from a guy who was shot 9 times and survived!

People sometimes ask me how I am so fearless. “How could you? Weren’t you scared?” I typically say, “Hell yeah, I was scared, but I was more afraid to give in to my fears.” When I read Curtis Jackson’s words about him being uncomfortable in his fear, they struck a cord with me. I’ve often asked myself, why I am different from most people? What made me brave enough to try stripping as a young woman by myself in the big city? What made me so sure I could take care of my children as a disabled, single mother when I ended my marriage? I believe it is because, like 50, I’m uncomfortable in my fear.

I thought everyone was like me growing up. I was raised in a family and neighborhood where people were shamed for showing fear. To show weakness of any kind was distasteful and invited disrespect. I would sooner get my ass kicked than run away from a fight. I also hated feeling dependent. I proved to myself repeatedly throughout my life that I can do it on my own, whatever “it” is.

It hasn’t been a clear and fearless road. It took many years for me to find my voice. Living authentically has been a process. Every day, I fight imposter syndrome, especially as I begin this new phase in my life building an author/mentoring business from the ground up. I feel like, who am I to think I can build this dream? What makes me think I can pull this off? But I am determined to succeed, nonetheless. So, what gives? How have I become unstoppable? Upon examination, there is a method to my madness.

Today, I’m sharing with you 12 tips I’ve used in my life to overcome my fears. Each of these ideas could form the basis for an entire article, but I will try to be brief. This is how I learned to face each new monster, every day. I believe it will work for you, too.

There’s Annie! Pregnant and swinging around the pole. LOL!

#1. Redefine Who You Are

People are reflections of the values that drive us. Unfortunately, many of us have lost sense of our values. Could you easily tell someone what your values are? Do you believe you have strong values but you’re not sure if you actually live by them? It’s easy to have good intentions and, at the same time, behave in ways that don’t align with who we want to be. How do you know if you’re the person you believe that you are?

A powerful way to get in alignment with our true values is by doing this exercise: Be alone with yourself and write out your personal constitution. Ask yourself, what values do I want to live by? What kind of person do I want to be? What are the kinds of things I want people to say about me at my funeral?

When I wrote my personal constitution, the first thing I noticed is that I’d written down one of my values twice. I wrote it in different ways, but I said twice that “I make time for loved ones.” This was a very important value of mine that I wasn’t doing. Often I chose work or creative projects over my children and friends. However, when I finished my personal constitution, I had a perfect map to becoming the person I really wanted to be. Since then, I am much better at prioritizing my loved ones. I revisit my personal constitution to remind myself how I want to live my life. When faced with a difficult decision, my personal constitution often has the advice I am looking for to deal with the situation in a way that aligns with my true values.

Once you have a personal constitution, you can update it anytime and use it to help you redefine who you are. This will make it easier to become the person you are truly meant to be. When you know that your existence and impact in the world are driven by your values, your confidence to face your fears is much stronger.

#2. Be Equal

Without even realizing it, most of us subconsciously place others above or below us. When we meet someone, we make a snap judgement based on how they look or behave, and we place ourselves in a hierarchy with that person. If we are intimidated, we place ourselves as inferiors. If we are disgusted, we place ourselves as superiors. There are countless reasons why we see others as inferior or superior to ourselves and it is all done subconsciously, for the most part. We don’t even realize we’re doing it.

As a mother, I struggled to feel equal to other parents when my children were growing up. I felt extremely intimidated by my children’s friends’ parents. I was an exotic dancer who smoked marijuana. Other parents seemed normal. They talked about their work freely and didn’t have anything to hide. I made myself inferior by believing that a marijuana-smoking, stripper-mom wouldn’t be accepted by “normal” parents. I was really good at not putting people below me, but I was terrible for putting people above me.

When I realized what I was doing, I decided to confront my fear of not being accepted. I stopped lying about my work and told people I was a “dancer.” I came out publicly in the media as an advocate for sex industry workers. I told myself that I was equal to everyone; that no one was below or above me. I told myself that every person deserved equal treatment, which meant I deserved it too.

A shocking thing happened when I started seeing myself as an equal to other kids’ parents. I made eye-contact more. I listened more, instead of wondering what they were thinking. I watched the way they expressed themselves, rather than focusing on how they saw me. Remarkably, I could see that they were wondering what I thought of them! I had been blind to the fears other people had when I couldn’t see beyond my own fears. When I faced my fear of rejection, I found out that most people are just as worried about me rejecting them. What an epiphany.

When you catch yourself feeling above or below others, stop and remind yourself to be equal. People will respect you more and your fearless muscles will grow dramatically and suddenly.

#3. Never Show Weakness

I believe that we should strive to never show weakness. There is a difference between weakness and vulnerability. When I say, “Never show weakness,” I am not saying to never be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is something we should save for special, private, in-person moments (if possible). We should be very picky about who we are vulnerable with. Think about your personal constitution when deciding who to be vulnerable with. Ask yourself what the other person’s values are based on their actions and how well they’re handling life. Your best friend today could be your worst enemy tomorrow because you turned down an invitation or because of some other trivial reason. Be choosy when choosing to be vulnerable.

I see the world as an incredibly beautiful place filled with beautiful, flawed human beings. I’m grateful to have love for my fellow humans. However, I also know that humans are mostly ruled by our emotions. When we get angry, jealous, suspicious, resentful, defiant, lonely, insecure, or otherwise triggered or traumatized, we can devolve into horrible cruelty. Each one of us has the capacity to be a terrible person and most of us have seen that side of ourselves more than once.

I think it is dangerous to show weakness to our fellow humans. We should never become emotionally unhinged in front of others or verbally abusive. Lashing out at others and losing control of our emotions are key signs of weakness. When I was young, I thought such behaviors proved my strength. But I realized, as I grew older, that my worst, most disrespectful behaviors happened when I was feeling at my weakest.

I realized, it is weak to publicly shame the people in our lives when they disappoint us. It is weak to tell everyone our private business. It is weak to throw a violent temper tantrum. It is weak to abuse someone, especially if they are weaker than us. It is weak to take our emotions out on others.

Master manipulators recognize weakness when they see it. They know they can manipulate us through our emotions. Showing weakness makes us targets for humans with ulterior motives. It is also a very unattractive quality that repels people. Endeavor to never show weakness and you will be surprised how people will respect and be drawn to you more.

Confrontation skills are in the category of communication, and communication is everything.

#4. Learn Confrontation Skills

There are three ways to handle any conflict. We can confront it, ignore/accept it, or hide from it. How these different decisions manifest can vary. Confrontation skills are not just about being able to confront someone when necessary. They are also the ability to recognize when confrontation is the best practice or not.

For instance, imagine that I’m working as a stripper in a club with a tiny change room. One of the other dancers in the lineup has it out for me. She rolls her eyes when I talk. I can tell she has put herself above me. Confronting her would make the work-week intolerable but I obviously cannot hide from her in the tiny changeroom. I choose to ignore / accept her behavior and go on with my life. Eventually, she befriends me because she realizes her negativity isn’t working on me.

Another scenario: I am at a friend’s place. She begins yelling at her boyfriend in front of me. I become uncomfortable and feel anxiety rise in my chest. First chance I get, I thank her for her hospitality and leave. I hide from this difficult situation because the drama stresses me out and embarrasses me. However, I don’t want to insult my friend.

In a third situation, my child’s teacher is showing a television news program in class that conflicts with my political and philosophical beliefs. As much as my child begs me not to embarrass them, I feel I must confront the situation. I cannot abide my child being indoctrinated to beliefs that don’t align with my own values. The teacher is offended and upset, but grudgingly stops showing the biased news program in his class.

In each situation, I chose what I felt was the best response for the situation. Sometimes confrontation is NOT the best way forward. Sometimes using a soft touch goes a lot farther. But other times we have no choice and confrontation is required.

When confrontation IS required, there is a finesse to doing it right. This is a deep subject, but suffice it to say that the best way to confront someone is to do it with love. Ask yourself, “How can I confront this situation lovingly?” You will be amazed how empowering it is to handle conflicts in this way. I will save that for a future article.

Confrontation is not always about people. We must also confront illness, poverty, trauma, and all the other challenges we face in our deeply difficult lives. The most difficult challenges can not be ignored or hidden from. They must be confronted. Learning confrontation skills is one of the most important aspects to becoming fearless.

Annie recommends learning how to say “No.”

#5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Now that we’ve developed confrontation skills, it’s time to use them on the people who drag us down the most. How creative can you be with setting boundaries? I find it a fascinating challenge to find the most loving, respectful boundaries possible without compromising my boundaries. LOL!

I find other people’s drama to be extremely exhausting. I set a boundary to not let other people drag me down. I hide from people with high drama in their lives unless they force me to confront them. I set other boundaries too. I don’t tolerate being talked to with a disrespectful tone of voice. I respectfully remind my partner and children to speak to me the same way I speak to them. Strangers are often surprised when I say, “Excuse me, please don’t use a disrespectful tone with me. I am being respectful to you and I deserve the same.”

Ask yourself what your personal boundaries are. What are the triggers that set you on a downward spiral? If you can remove these triggers as much as possible from your life, you will have more peace and energy for a happy, fearless life. Use boundary-setting opportunities to practice your confrontation skills.

We build our fearlessness muscles with WINS!

#6. Identify and Kill Difficult but Achievable Goals

Setting goals is difficult if it isn’t something we’ve practiced. It becomes easier as we do it more. It is said that it takes 30 days to create an ingrained habit. What is the one thing you could do that if you did it every day, it would give you a massive boost? Fasting? Exercise? Switching to whole foods and tossing the processed ones? Meal prepping? Meditation? Daily affirmations?

My suggestion is to pick one thing that is meaningful for you, determine a time every day that you will be able to do it, and commit yourself to doing it for 30 days. Maybe it doesn’t help as much as you hoped. Maybe it changes your life. Either way, when you’ve reached 30 days, you’ll know that you are capable of conquering your goals.

As an exotic dancer, back in the day, I felt the healthiest of my life. However, since my health issues began, my exercise routines are often sidelined by a severe flareup. I am healing from permanent ileostomy surgery now and I have started moderate cardio program of 30 minutes on the elliptical machine at my gym every morning. I get up at 5AM because I like to be home in time to see my daughter off to school. I take it very easy because I never want to be too sore to do it again tomorrow.

Getting up at 5 am isn’t always easy. I often find myself trying to talk myself out of it. If I have a lot of things on my plate, I may be tempted to do a shorter program. But I challenged myself to go for 30 minutes for 30 days, and I don’t want to disappoint myself. Each morning, as I drive home from the gym with endorphins pounding through my veins, I feel like I’ve accomplished something before the day has even started. The day does not own me. I own the day.

Make sure your goals are difficult but achievable. If your goal is too easy, you won’t feel the satisfaction of killing it. If it is too hard and you don’t achieve it, you will feel like a failure. Failing is never a bad thing because we always learn from it, but we will build our fearlessness muscles with wins.

Each of us is responsible for our own journey.

#7. Stop Taking Things Personally

It’s time to put your adult panties on and stop taking things personally. Unless your partner revenge-cheated, it was NOT a personal attack against you. Your friend canceled or changed plans? Again, not about you. Someone loses their shit on you in traffic? That’s a them issue. Your child doesn’t behave the way you raised her? Not about you. Your friend screams at you for not being there when they “needed you” … again, this is not something to take personally. You’re dreading a visit to a family member but you feel obligated because they’ve pushed everyone out of their lives? They are NOT your responsibility.

As soon as you find yourself thinking you must save everyone, you are taking things personally. The only person you are responsible is yourself. You might have responsibilities to care for others like family or clients, but they are ultimately responsible for their own lives. There’s nothing we can do to help them have an amazing existence. We can demonstrate an amazing existence, but they must help themselves.

People act out emotionally and blame others for their problems instead of taking responsibility for their own lives. If you get caught in the crossfire of their toddler-like temper tantrum or even if a person betrays your trust, their actions have nothing to do with you. They are broken, sick, insecure, frustrated, depressed, and otherwise stressed. But they are still responsible for their own behavior.

Florence Scovel Shinn calls it being “poised” and there is a whole philosophical school, called Stoicism, that emphasizes learning to control our baser, animal reactions to life. Essentially, not taking things personally is similar to not showing weakness, but it goes deeper than that. When you stop taking things personally, you become impervious to many of life’s ups-and-downs; shrugging them off, or at least coping with them using healthy, respectful techniques and behaviors.

For instance, when one of my partners cheated on me years ago, I handled it very differently than I had in the past because I had learned not to take things personally. I knew the betrayal was a reflection of my partner’s brokenness at the time and wasn’t about me or even about our relationship. When his ex with whom he cheated emailed me to try and use me to lash out at him; again I didn’t take it personally. I told her that if she wanted him back to please contact him directly because it had nothing to do with me.

Another time, I had a partner who I sincerely loved but he was behaving erratically due to addiction. My life with him wasn’t very good anymore. Instead of being angry at him and asking him how he could do this to me, I respected his journey. I didn’t yell at him, try to change him, or wallow in self-pity. That would be taking his addiction personally. Instead, I let go with love because it wasn’t good for me to be with him. I said goodbye with a very sad heart, but I didn’t take it personally.

Taking shit personally is a life sucker. I’ve changed my ways completely. When someone cancels on me, I tell them “No worries!” and I sincerely don’t get mad. When someone betrays me, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt my heart, but I consider it a them problem. The only way it affects me is to decide if I’m going to keep them in my life or not. If you can stop taking things personally, your life will improve overnight. Being happy is much easier when you don’t live in fear of what others may or may not do “to you.”

#8. Prioritize Daily Study & Motivational Buddies

My life was plagued by fears until I created this one incredibly powerful habit. I call it Daily Study & Motivational Buddies. The first part of this habit is to read or listen to motivational, business, spiritual, and other inspiring books, blogs, podcasts, and influencers for at least 10 minutes every day.

Recently, I’ve become a huge fan of audiobooks. I listen to them when I’m doing mindless activities that I don’t enjoy doing. For instance, I drive like an old man on a Sunday, totally calm and happy, while listening to Jim Rohn’s pieces of wisdom or stories about Marcus Aurelius, the greatest Roman Emperor who ever lived. I absolutely hate doing dishes, but I love making the kitchen shiny if I’m engaged listening to an uplifting interview.

Motivational buddies are the people who lift us up in life. They don’t cosign our bullshit and they don’t hold back constructive criticism, but we know they have our best interests at heart. They are people we see living their best lives, striving to be better than they were the day before. Often, they are people with goals and passions, who take risks and bounce back from difficult challenges. These are the people we should surround ourselves with.

Having daily study and motivational buddies enable us to create continuous personal growth. Personal growth banishes our fears.

We are worthy of love, no matter who we are or what we have been through.

#9. Love Yourself

Step outside of your “self” for a moment. Look at the body that you identify as yours. Look at the life that you have created for your “self.” Look at the whole, big picture of your ego identity as though you are watching a movie. Do you empathize with the main character? Are you rooting for him or her? Do you see the main character making human mistakes and feeling demoralized when they do? Or, does the main character face each defeat with humor and acceptance? Is each mistake a learning experience or another piece of evidence that the main character is a loser?

When I say that I love myself, it is because I’ve chosen to forgive myself for the actions I most regret. I face failures with humor and acceptance because I deserve to be treated with gentleness and tolerance. It is how I would treat my child or my friend. Why wouldn’t I treat myself the same way?

We are notoriously hard on ourselves. Someone else could have a disability, scars, or a big pimple and we think nothing of it. But when it is our own, we are hideous and ashamed. Why do we treat ourselves this way? Similarly, why do we push ourselves when we know our bodies need us to slow down? Why do we live frantically, never taking time to really care of ourselves?

Loving myself has been a process of learning to treat myself with love and kindness. As a mother, I believe the purest love is that of a parent for a child; especially our helpless infants. But, aren’t we all helpless infants in a way? Each new experience or monster, we face like an infant, learning as we go. I tell my children when they encounter obstacles, “This is how we learn.” We must treat ourselves with the unconditional love we have for our infants. We must raise ourselves better than our parents raised us.

When we deeply and truly love ourselves, it is easy to live fearlessly. Obstacles and risks don’t look so scary anymore. We know that no matter what happens, we’ll get through it. It also makes us more compassionate towards others. Having compassion for myself has turned many fears and monsters into love for my fellow humans. It’s hard to be afraid of people you love.

Aaron’s process transformed Annie’s grief and fear into acceptance and excitement.

#10. Visualize

One of the most difficult experiences of my life was coming to terms with a recent surgery I had to get. I dreaded it. My heart was broken. I tried valiantly to embrace my future with an ostomy bag permanently on my stomach, but I was struggling to find the strength to do it. That’s when a friend reached out to me and recommended a book, called “Fighter” by Aaron Volpatti. I was already familiar with visualization, but Aaron’s story was so compelling, I became inspired to try his visualization process.

Within a few days of practicing daily visualization exercises, my entire perspective on the surgery changed. I began to feel like I’d already had the surgery and everything was great. By the time I had the surgery, I was over the mental anguish of it, ready to move forward with my life and all the dreams I wanted to achieve. Visualization was so powerful for me that I now feel that I have the tools to face any difficult obstacle that comes my way. I wrote about this experience in another article, but I highly recommend visualization as a way to fast-track fearless living.

#11. Give Yourself Pep Talks

If there’s one thing that gets me over that final hurdle of fear when I’m facing a monster, it is a good pep talk. In fact, I engage in mini self-pep-talks all day every day. When I catch myself saying, “Why am I so stupid?!” I immediately pep myself back up. I argue with my inner critic and say, “I’m not stupid. I’m fucking amazing and intelligent!” I usually laugh out loud after engaging in this silent conversation. I feel immediately better.

Sometimes I need a big pep talk. Like recently, I’ve been planning a huge 50th birthday party. I keep having panic attacks that no one will show up, or that I won’t be able to handle a big night out like that. Each time the negative self-talk begins, I stop myself with a little pep talk. But there are moments when I need to talk myself up for awhile. I tell myself things like, “The people who matter are coming, and that’s all that matters.” “My events in the past have always been amazing.” “I’ve already sold a lot of advance tickets.” “All I can do is my best.”

Practice giving yourself pep talks whenever you face an obstacle. My partner tells himself an affirmation when he doubts himself, “Piece of cake,” he says. Amazingly, it usually is a piece-of-cake after that. There’s a saying: “Words cast spells, that’s why they call it spelling.” Words are powerful. Be aware of the words you use to talk to yourself. Turn your inner critic into your biggest fan and your fears will melt away.

Annie proved to herself that she could still feel sexy after ostomy surgery.

#12. Prove Yourself To Yourself

Much of our fear comes from not believing in ourselves. There is only one way to learn to believe. We must prove ourselves to ourselves. This has been a recurring theme of my life because I’m uncomfortable in my fear. I have proven to myself over and over again that I can do anything I set my mind to, and I don’t need help (although help is always appreciated).

Comments on social media echo the negative beliefs people have about themselves when they lash out at others for not being there for them. As someone who has faced many scary monsters completely alone, with a family to support while I’m at it, I couldn’t afford to cry about the unfairness of doing it all alone. Instead, I braced myself for a fight and conquered each monster as it came. In the process, I learned how truly strong I can be.

In more recent years, I am grateful and blessed to have had an amazing support team for my greatest challenges. My current partner, my grown and almost grown children, and the motivational buddies I’ve surrounded myself with have been a source of great strength and care. I worked hard to build the kind of family and community that I have now, and I’m proud of the life I’ve created. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I have to, I can handle anything alone.

If you haven’t done it lately, prove to yourself that you can face a monster and conquer it without anyone’s help. It’s vital to prove to yourself how strong you really are. Don’t fall into the self pity trap, feeling hopeless because there’s no one to help you. Help yourself and forgive others for not being there when you wished they could be. Once you’ve tapped into your true power and recognized your incredible strength, your fearlessness will skyrocket.

Remember that fearless living does not mean having no fears. It means we laugh in the face of our fears. We rise to each challenge. We embrace the moment, face the fear, and learn from the outcome. Could it all go to hell? Of course it could! But it probably won’t. And if it does? We’ll survive that monster too.

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