HOW PORN CAN SHAPE OUR SEXUAL REALITIES
Like all good erotic film-makers, I have been pro-porn for a long time. Even before I produced my own content, I enjoyed erotic movies and literature. I admired many "porn stars" and saw the art behind the tease. One of the best lovers I ever made love to told me he learned everything he knew from reading "Penthouse Letters." When I was too pregnant to have sex comfortably, I pushed my man towards porn. I have always seen porn as a tool, or "accompaniment" to sensual, real-life encounters. As an erotic content creator, I wouldn't, in good conscience, create something that I thought was fundamentally wrong. To me, erotic content is a way to make money and also a way to enhance sensual experiences. What could be wrong with that?
I'm not blind. I've seen a lot of porn that is unrealistic and unflattering. Most porn doesn't do it for me because it's very fake. I think, "That woman cannot possibly be enjoying THAT." For my part, I've sought out passionate porn. I like to see the performer's faces. My most common search term for porn is "sexy man masturbating." I tell you this because I want you to know that I love porn. I don't watch it all the time, but I enjoy it often enough to have saved links. I've always believed we should have MORE [diverse] porn, especially more women-centered productions. My love of porn and use of it have never made me feel ashamed. Although I do feel concerned about children having access to hardcore porn, you would never catch me moralizing about porn in general.
I am the LAST person who would tell you to stop enjoying porn. Yet, I've had at least three friends admit privately to me that their partners are addicted to it. They felt safe to tell me because of my experience in adult entertainment. At the time, I thought that each of them was making it out to be bigger than it really was. I considered the possibility that they were feeling jealous and over-reacting. But I also knew these friends to be very open-minded and secure. Even though my instinct was to dismiss their concerns, I suspended my disbelief and acknowledged that I am not an expert on porn. I surmised that people can be addicted to anything. Why not porn?
In my work as an Intimacy Specialist, I've come across a lot of clients who wanted to role-play typical scenes from porn. Although I do not advertise as a fetish provider, I receive frequent inquiries about my willingness to accommodate fetishes. Clients request and confide to me all kinds of porn-typical fantasies. I've assumed that the accessibility of free porn on the Internet has been the impetus for "porn-typical" fantasies to flourish, but it never occurred to me that some fetishes could be the result of a porn-induced sexual desensitization. It was one of my clients who first made me aware about the potentially harmful impacts of porn addiction.
Like alcohol consumption, some people view and engage with porn moderately and it does not affect them in a negative way. I would like to think that this reflects the majority of us, but the science is not clear. What is becoming apparent to many people who watch porn daily, and to many scientists who study this phenomenon, is that porn addiction can have serious ramifications on sexual function and interpersonal connection. In other words, epidemic proportions of people (especially men) are suffering from erectile dysfunction, inability to orgasm / ejaculate, and decreased interest in engaging in real-life sexual OR EVEN social experiences.
If this is true, then people who provide intimacy services, like me, are seeing an increase in men with the above issues. I'd love to hear from others but I have to be honest. I find it surprising how many of my clients have told me that they "may not," "cannot," or "do not want to" have sexual release. I hear from my clients the shame, embarrassment, and misgivings they experience because of the struggles they have with natural, sexual functioning. For people my age, it's possible to trace back to when our sex drives might have faltered. In forums, gentlemen around the world say that they didn't have these problems until they started watching porn a lot.
Are the people who say they are addicted to porn delusional? Are they looking for an excuse to deflect responsibility for their inadequacies? Is it really the food they eat or the medications they take rather than the porn they are watching? Foods and medications undoubtedly impact our sexual function. But looking at the sheer number of testimonials online, it's hard to believe that all self-proclaimed porn addicts are lying. As a sex worker who has been silenced by people who think they know what's best for me, I understand how voices can be ignored and relegated to fanaticism or deviance. Therefore, when thousands of people say they found sexual healing through eliminating porn, I feel I must believe them. All I knew is that I wanted to learn more.
In my quest for truth, I found many "porn addiction" sources that I didn't consider credible. Moralistic views of pornography. Arguments against sex outside of marriage. The ravings of people displaying religious intolerance. There are a lot of people who use porn addiction as an excuse to demonize all porn and to support their arguments to abolish it. I also looked for proof that porn DOES NOT cause addiction or harm people. There were a lot of opinions but I didn't find any hard evidence to support this claim. I kept researching.
That's when I came across a book called "Your Brain on Porn." What I immediately liked about this book is that it focuses on the science of the brain and stays away from arguments about morality. The author, Gary Wilson, has personally been impacted by "porn addiction" and in his book, he was willing to share his experience, which I respect. Too often, people feel ashamed to talk about things like this publicly. I admire Wilson's courage to talk about this sensitive subject so openly. To educate people thoroughly, he includes scientific studies and anecdotal successes to support his claim that porn is addictive for some people; leading to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, inability to ejaculate, inability to become aroused or stay aroused in real-life sexual experiences, and disconnection from real-life partners. This list is a fraction of the side effects reported by people who've struggled with porn addiction.
"Your Brain on Porn" explains how porn is not a passive recreational tool for everyone. Because we touch ourselves and bring ourselves to climax while watching porn, our neural pathways, which naturally prioritize our reward centers, are literally reprogrammed if we do it often enough. Our brains start to tell us: "Yes, more of that, please." As time goes on, because our brains are designed to become desensitized to repeated, similar rewards and to shoot for bigger rewards; we begin to require increasingly more unique porn to get us off. This explains the massive increase in fetishes and the massive increase in people who are unable to climax without individualized, specific, heightened fetish behaviour to get them there.
Furthermore, because our brains do not differentiate between real-life sensual experiences and visual/porn-induced sensual experiences, our real life sensual experiences seem a lot less exciting. We become programmed to expect porn-like interactions with our partners and lovers. It becomes more and more difficult to become sexually aroused when the more exciting themes of porn are not included in our real-life experiences. This leads to unfulfilling sex and partners wondering if we've lost interest in them.
Of course, this doesn't happen to everyone. I'm an example of someone who does not over-use porn and I have healthy orgasms and enjoy real-life intimacy much more than pretending I'm someone's "Mommy." (Not that I'm judging people who love their fetishes.) I'm just saying that I'm proof that porn is not harmful to everyone. But it's harmful to some and I think we need to acknowledge that as a society (and as erotic content creators too).
As an Intimacy Specialist, I've never (before now) taken the idea of "porn addiction" seriously. I imagine that many people afflicted with it haven't either. They likely don't know what is causing their troubles which means they cannot do anything to heal. The porn addiction community is sure about one thing: giving up porn can give you your life back. Thousands of people have found that abstinence from porn enabled them to live fully again. After a period of withdrawal, causing many symptoms including temporary loss of all sexual desire, people report gaining back full sexual functioning and much deeper relationships with real-life friends and partners.
I want to see my clients and lovers find full and true satisfaction in real-life sensual experiences. As much as I love watching, creating, and selling erotic content; I do not want it to harm people. If my clients or fans have porn addiction but don't realize that their porn consumption is what's harming them, I want them to know. I would never push someone to quit porn. But if a person recognizes that it may be a problem for them; it may be the first step to potentially living a happier, fuller, more connected life. I want to be supportive of their porn-free journeys too.
Doctors and other dick pill peddlers don't have a solution to the problem that is epidemic among mostly men. I don't have a solution either. But it has occurred to me now that porn could be, at least part of, the problem. Young people, especially young men, are increasingly staying in their rooms and avoiding human contact. Record numbers of people are losing their virginity at a later age. Some might say this is good, but is it? Our natural instinct to seek sensual partners is being replaced by a natural instinct to scroll porn. Personally, I believe that messy, imperfect, in-person, real-life experiences are far superior to the admittedly vibrant and diverse scenarios we experience through porn. I love porn, but not if if becomes a replacement for human connection.
Not everyone is an alcoholic and not everyone will experience harm or addiction from watching porn. But for some people, porn abstinence could be the solution for a healthy sex life that they've been looking for. The science of addiction helps us understand how our brains respond to rewards and artificial stimulation. This is why addiction is a disease. It's a physical manifestation that is created by our neural pathways. Therefore, we must address our neural pathways and reward centers by working WITH the way they function to recreate NEW neural pathways. Knowing how our brains work when it comes to addiction can empower those of us who are struggling. It can also help our partners to be more supportive and understanding.
You are not alone if this is your struggle. In a national survey of 2075 people, 11% of the men self-reported porn addiction. If we recognize that as a reflection of the US population, approximately 14 million men (2024 Chatgpt results) feel that they are addicted to porn. There are whole "NOFAP" communities committed to helping each other overcome this difficult addiction.
For those of us who have not suffered from our porn use, knowing about the potential danger of watching TOO MUCH porn can help us avoid succumbing to its potentially harmful impacts. In a world where we can experience hardcore, intimacy-lacking, fetish-focused, unrealistic sex scenarios at the touch of our fingertips on a screen any time we want; we need to start PRIORITIZING tender, intimate, pleasure-giving, real sex situations that are available to us when we drag ourselves away from our devices. We need to ask ourselves, do we want to experience a facsimile of life or do we want to experience LIVING? You know what I think.
Love Annie
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