HOW TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE
Is there a recurring theme in your life that you're consistently put in the friend zone? Your female friends, that you would have rather dated, assure you that you are a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful woman. But time after time, a love interest doesn't feel the attraction for you that you feel for her. She thinks you're awesome and wants to be your bff (best friend forever), but she is not interested in you romantically. She, like others before her, goes on to date a guy who doesn't treat her nearly as well as you would have, if she'd just given you a chance.
You are left wondering …
"Why don't women see how great I am?" (This suggests that the women are the problem.)
"What's wrong with me?" (This causes you to come up with things that are "wrong" with you which must be turning women off.)
The question you should be asking is:
“What do women see when they look at me?"
The answer to that question is they see you the same way you see yourself. If you see yourself as a foul-mouthed degenerate who will never get anywhere in life, a potential partner will see you the same way. If you see yourself as shy and ugly, she will see the same thing. If you see yourself as inferior, she will feel superior in your presence.
Energy is transferred without our knowledge. We don't even know it is happening but it's very real. This is why it is so important to do the self work needed to develop a healthy self-concept. Until you see yourself as an attractive, interesting, quality human being – you will project a weak version of who you really are, essentially sabotaging any possibility of attracting a quality woman.
As women, we sense insecurity and weakness instinctually. Biologically speaking, it is believed that women are wired to be attracted to men who can protect us and our children. If this is so, then it explains why men with weak self-concepts will struggle to find a loving partner. Weakness and insecurity are not only projected energetically but they are found by observing you too. Your strength (or lack of strength) appears with your body everywhere you go, whether you realize it or not.
I am not talking about your physical strength, but your mental strength. I am not talking about your body, but your body language. I'm not talking about your appearance, but how you present yourself. Some of these outward qualities can be faked with effort and practice, but not for long. When the "honeymoon" wears off, you are naked in your low opinion of yourself. However, with effort and practice, you can become mentally strong, display confident body language naturally, and align your physical appearance with the person you've become; because who you've become is someone you aren't ashamed of anymore.
Do you ever wonder how a super average-looking or even unattractive-looking guy can get a super hot girl? It's because he has a strong self-concept when it comes to dating. Similarly, super hot guys who get friend-zoned all the time have weak self-concepts. Being hot doesn't automatically make people secure and confident. And being average or "unattractive" in the sense that society values certain kinds of beauty more than others does not automatically make someone insecure. We are who we think we are. That's the frustrating but also incredibly empowering truth.
It's empowering because it means that by doing a little self work, we can build our self-concepts to become confident enough to enjoy the chase and game of dating. Confidence is a game changer but it doesn't come easily. It requires tearing down the beliefs we have about ourselves and discovering the truths that make us truly special. Every single one of us is special. You're not an exception to the rule.
In conjunction with self-concept work, address the way you think, including:
Stop worrying about what she thinks of you and focus on what you think of her. Notice how she smiles and the pretty shape of her face in profile. Enjoy her tinkling laughter or her unexpected ability to surprise you with the things she says or does. Focus on the woman you are with and stop worrying about what she's thinking about you.
Take a compliment. When people give compliments, it is insulting to have you downplay or deny the truth of what they declared. Even if you don't believe them, respond with class. A simple "Thank you" is all you need to say. Say it sincerely even if you think they might be mocking you. They might NOT be mocking you – indeed, they probably believe the thing they are saying. Accept the praise as sincere and respond graciously. I have been in situations where a woman is mockingly complimenting me. I have always handled it by playing dumb and thanking them sincerely. It throws them off guard and it's actually really funny.
Love all women. Stop picking a "type" or "category" of woman to fall in love with. See the beauty in all of us. Appreciate us young and old. Honour the magic we bring to life as healers, lovers, mothers, and grandmothers. Stop categorizing us as "attainable" or "unattainable." Stop rating us on a scale from 1-10 based on how we look. Open up your jaded heart and honour the essence of us. Love and cherish us with reverence to get the full experience of what we have to offer. This doesn't mean you should go around complimenting every woman or fawning over every woman. But notice our collective beauty with your own inner appreciation.
Don't fall for every woman you meet. Give yourself time to really notice the qualities that make you compatible or not. This is not a race to get the first woman who shows interest into a wedding ring. Enjoy the anticipation and excitement of the possibility of something without becoming obsessed. Play the field until you know and she has expressed similarly that you want to be "together." Even then, don't spend time worrying about the future. Enjoy today for as long as you have it whether it is temporary or (hopefully) forever. We don't know what awaits us. Don't waste precious moments that can be filled with joy worrying about the future which is out of your control.
There are four types of conflicts in stories: Man vs. Man; Man vs. Society; Man vs. Nature; and Man vs. Self. If you struggle with being friend-zoned more often than not, it isn't another man, society, or even nature that is holding you back. You must confront your SELF. This is the conflict you must overcome. I don't say this lightly. The reason I know is because I have had to face my SELF too.
When I was suddenly disabled by a pharmaceutical injury in my 30's, I completely lost all sense of who I was. Pre-illness I saw myself as an energetic mom with a clean house who volunteered for her daughter's school and was an activist for sex worker rights. If you asked me to tell you who I was, I would have listed these things and more. But when all of these things were suddenly taken away from me, I couldn't tell you who I was because I didn't know anymore. I had to learn what really defined me were the things that could not be taken away from me. I did the work I needed to do and now I know exactly who I am. Not only that, but I LOVE who I am. You can love yourself too.
Self-concept is always important to address with my coaching clients. First, we flesh out who you really are. Using some simple exercises, I take you through a process to get to know yourself and become the man you are truly meant to be. If this alone doesn't transform your life, I will be very surprised. After you start the process of becoming your highest self, I take you through some other powerful exercises and help you institute some simple practices in your life (that cost nothing) to start reaching for and achieving goals that seemed impossible before. I help you to incorporate philosophies and inner knowledge that were never taught to you before. This is a game changer not just for dating but for every aspect of your life. Reach out to learn more.
Love Annie xoxo
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