HOW TO FIND A WOMAN YOU CAN BE YOURSELF WITH

If the fear of being judged is holding you back, you are not alone. Finding a woman you can be safe with may seem impossible, but there are many strategies you can utilize in dating to find out if a potential partner could be your safe harbour or if she is about to take you on a roller coaster to hell. This article is about finding out if you're safe to be vulnerable with someone, how to protect yourself from people who are toxic, and how to share the thing you are afraid of being judged about.

Let's start with the things that you can stop feeling ashamed about right now; things you don't need to tell a future partner unless you want to. For instance, a future partner does not need to know if you have visited sex workers. She does not need to know how many previous sexual partners you've had. If you watch porn and masturbate sometimes, it is not necessary to tell your partner.

These are things that should usually have no bearing on the relationship. If a potential partner pressures you to disclose your sexual past or becomes jealous about your past experiences, this is a red flag. It shows her insecurity. Highly insecure people are usually not safe to be yourself with. Even mentioning another woman or having a polite conversation with one, like your waitress, can send a highly insecure woman into a tailspin. If you like drama and misery, definitely date this kind of woman. Hopefully you've done enough self work before this date to not be this type of man.

You do not need to share everything. But I'm not telling you to lie. Let's use porn as an example. If a potential partner asks about your porn use and it's something you engage with regularly, don't lie and say, "I never watch porn and I've never touched myself." But don't volunteer the information. First, turn the question back to determine her motive. "Why do your ask?" She might have a good reason.

For instance, let's say she was previously involved with a man who was addicted to porn. Now, she fears being in a relationship with another porn addict. In this case, you may want to respond to her prodding because her motive is understandable. Here are some possible ways to respond depending on your truth.

"I have watched porn and masturbated but I wouldn't say I'm addicted."

"I enjoy porn and think it can be a great addition to a kinky sex life."

"I'm not comfortable talking about my porn use this early in knowing you, but I understand why that would be a concern for you."

However you respond to any question that possibly triggers you, try not to take it personally. Respond respectfully attempting to understand the motivation for the question rather than feeling judged. Ask yourself why a potential partner is bringing up the subjects she brings up. She wants to learn about you to determine if you are a good fit. You should be doing the same.

Remember that dating is not about you trying to get a woman, any woman, to like you. It's about meeting and flirting with women with the hope of finding "someone" you can have a truly passionate love experience with. Compatibility matters because a shitty relationship is much worse than being lonely. Believe me!

Going along with the porn theme and assessing compatibility, if you are a person who loves to watch a lot of porn and a woman is uncomfortable with that, she is probably not the right woman for you. If you're porn addicted, then you should consider doing some self work and you definitely don't want to put this woman through another experience that she has already been traumatized by. If you could take or leave porn and it's not that big a part of your life, you can honestly assure her that porn is not an issue for you and put her worries at ease.

As humans, we are subject to the human condition. In other words, it is natural for us to experience the kinds of things that humans experience. This includes all the possible reasons you are afraid of being judged. Do you fear getting into a relationship because you are overweight? Underweight? You have erection or ejaculation issues? You live with an STI or other health condition that makes you feel ashamed sexually? You are disabled in some way? There are countless reasons people fear getting into relationships because they don't want to face judgment or rejection.

However, there are hundreds and thousands of people with the above conditions and more who have found love. Your perceived flaws are not who you are. You are a human with an unlimited capacity for giving and receiving love. You are not destined to be alone forever unless you continue to let your fears hold you back. This thing that you are ashamed about is not "yours." It is a human thing that happens to many humans – whatever it is. It is a natural part of the human condition.

Try to step out of your self for a moment and look at the bigger picture. Expand your inner vision to see the whole of humanity in your mind. Everywhere, there are people who want to find love and experience a passionate romance but are scared just like you. They would be grateful to be with someone as kind, generous, loving, and intelligent as you. There are women out there who would feel lucky to be with you.

The fact that you're reading this article shows me that you want to be someone who is lovable and desirable to women. That is the most important part of self-work – just showing up to this article or that podcast will help you heal the broken parts. Doing self work will make you a better person and a better partner.

If you feel confident and capable as a partner and lover, you will be able to attract and maintain a higher quality relationship with a woman. It will also help you learn how to identify and avoid women who are toxic before you reveal your vulnerabilities to them. Here are some strategies or doing just that …

Weed them out

There is a pre-emptive technique of being out and proud of your human condition that weeds out people before they even waste your time. To provide an example, I am very out and proud of being a sex worker with a stoma. I know that when someone approaches me, they have already accepted both those qualities about me. People who are turned off by my ostomy or my love of adult entertainment won't approach me. I am able to weed them out by being authentic in a very public way. This is not always possible or comfortable to do. The following strategies apply to those things you don't feel safe to be out and proud about.

Protect Yourself

When you are first getting to know someone, stick to safe subjects. She may seem absolutely amazing in the moment, but she could turn around and stab you in the back the next. You don't know her well enough to share your deepest vulnerabilities with. Trust takes time. Share stories, beliefs, dreams, and goals – but do not share anything that could be used against you in the future.

Test the Waters

If things seem to be going well, give your potential partner a chance to be trustworthy and safe by telling them vulnerable stories about other people. These can be true or made up hypotheticals, like, using the porn example again: "My friend thinks his wife is going to leave him because she caught him watching porn. Do you think that is a good reason to end a marriage?" Listen to what your potential partner says but also to what she doesn't say. Assess your compatibility.

If her initial response is judgmental and negative, give her another chance. Sometimes, when people are nervous or unsure how to respond, they say the first thing that pops into their mind and it isn't necessarily what they truly believe. Play the devil's advocate to challenge her negative response respectfully.

For instance, if she says: "What the hell? I'd leave him too"; you could reply, "I know how much he loves her and I don't think this is a good reason to end the marriage." She might reconsider her original opinion or she might double down on it. This tells you something about her. Use subjects that matter to you to find out her opinions without making it about you.

Deal Breakers

To me, a major deal breaker is if the potential partner is disrespectful when discussing things we disagree about. If a potential partner cannot debate respectfully with you – even if her emotions are triggered a little – you will never be completely safe to be yourself. If you worry that she won't respect your political beliefs, it's better to find out now than later. If you are respectful about her beliefs but she cannot be respectful about yours, you might want to run rather than walk away. You will never feel safe to be yourself if you suffer emotional or verbal abuse when you express your opinion. A safe person will not attack you over a disagreement.

Red Flag – Overreaction or Hostile Reaction

When a potential partner responds in a negative, judgmental, or hostile way to you sharing vulnerabilities about others; she is much more likely to respond that way to you as well. She is probably not someone you can fully be yourself with. You may choose to pursue the relationship but do not be surprised if her anger becomes a recurring theme in your relationship. Overly reactive and hostile reactions are a sign of danger, not safety.

Some women are very unhealed, just like some men are. They will be on their best behaviour to put your fears at ease, then slowly the crazy will come out. This is not a gender thing. It can happen to any of us. Mental health is at an all time low for many people in our society. We are broken. It is good for us to be compassionate and forgive the broken people who come in and out of our lives. But getting involved with someone who likes to argue, engaging in the arguments with them, and staying in the toxic relationship is not good for either of you. My recommendation is to let go with love. Or with a restraining order. Whichever is necessary.

Respect is Required

A lot of people peddle this idea that there are so many wonderful women out there and so few good men. Other people say the opposite. The truth is that most of us were never taught how to love ourselves or how to engage in healthy relationship behaviours. We learned to be judgmental, toxic, anxious, fearful, and to put walls up. These feelings and behaviours actually prevent us from experiencing true passion and unconditional love.

Stoicism teaches us that part of our human nature is to think rationally. Humans are the only animal that have a reasoning or "ruling" faculty. After our initial reaction to any event, we have the power to stop ourselves from losing our shit. We are not victims of our circumstances because if that were so, different people wouldn't react differently to the same circumstances. We react based on what we allow our minds to think about and focus on. Therefore our thoughts determine our emotions which in turn create our reactions. The magic happens when we change the way we think.

It's important to understand that disrespect of any kind is toxic and abusive. We must unlearn the defense mechanisms we learned growing up and practice a new philosophy of "controlling our unhealthy passions," as Stoics put it. In other words, we mustn't accept disrespectful behaviour towards others from ourselves nor disrespectful behaviour towards us. We must set a new boundary in our society that acknowledges that every person, including and especially our intimate partners, deserves respect. A person who understands this will be someone you can be yourself with.

Don't Let Them Wreck You

If you are like me, a person who forgives easily, doesn't take things personally, and tries to see the best in everyone; you are at risk of being taken advantage of. Unhealed people take advantage of healed people as a matter of course. They are unhealed. It is just what happens. If you realize that this is happening to you, don't allow it to make you feel jaded. You do not need to punish the person or fight for your rights. Just walk away. They can't help being fucked up and you will gain nothing by taking your pain out on them. It will only make you feel worse. Let go with love. Cease wasting your time. Life is short, my friend.

Maintain Your Boundaries

Tears, screaming, and lashing out, are tools to manipulate you. Usually if someone is crying or freaking out to get what they want, they don't even realize it. Manipulation is the first thing we learn as infants. We don't have language to communicate our needs. So, we cry and whimper; we scream and throw tantrums. It comes so naturally from birth that we don't even realize we're doing it. We cannot take accountability for our actions if we don't even know we're doing it.

It would be wonderful if we all grew out of it one day. But most of us never learn how to engage in healthy communication. We rely on manipulation because it's all we've ever known. Our parents even taught it to us as adults when they told us how to train our partners or take control in our relationships. These are tactics to manipulate rather than communicate.

Obviously, not all tears and emotional displays are intended to manipulate you. People cry because we are sad. Sometimes it can be difficult to discern the difference. But it doesn't matter. You don't have to worry about discerning the difference between real sadness and manipulation. In any case, be respectful. Be loving. Just don't let a person's emotional tragedy make you compromise your boundaries. Express empathy but don't give in unless it's something that's not important to you. Even then, remember you are setting a precedent and your partner may expect you to give in every time they lose their shit.

Guys do it too. I had a boyfriend who started crying one time after really letting me down. I calmly told him, "I'm sorry this conversation is hurting you. But, whether you cry or not, it doesn't change what you did." He immediately stopped crying. We both knew he was trying to manipulate me and we later laughed about it.

Jealousy is a Relationship Killer

If one person in a relationship is jealous, the other person will never be able to fully be themselves out of fear of triggering a jealousy attack. If you are the jealous person, you are likely hurting yourself even more than the person you are jealous about. Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions we can feel.

I urge you to do the self work to get over your jealousy. Look at it this way, if someone is cheating on you, you'll eventually find out. You don't need to sneak around checking their phone or internet history. The truth always comes out eventually. So, there's no point in destroying every day in meantime. Deal with it when you find out about it. Until then, enjoy your life.

Also, look at it this way, if you are happy in the relationship and the person brings joy to your life, why waste your time worrying about infidelity? On the other hand, if you are unhappy in the relationship, instead of seeking out signs of betrayal, simply end the relationship.

If your potential partner shows signs of jealousy early on, be very clear about your boundaries. It is possible you will heal through it together with your consistent reassurance and their effort to always be respectful. But it is also possible that their jealousy will eat away at both of you. Personally, I can no longer tolerate people in my life who bring toxic energy. That is a deal-breaker for me.

The Goal

It's good to be grateful for every moment of joy that we get to experience. What is not good is when, in our haste to hang onto someone and not be alone, we trust too fast or we tolerate disrespect. There can be no safe space in a place where disrespect lives. If the goal is to find a woman you can be yourself with, then give her opportunities to prove herself to be respectful, compassionate, and loving. That is how you will know if you can be safe with her.

Having someone we can be ourselves with is not only important because we know we can share the most tender aspects of ourselves right now but we can also expect to get reasonable reactions to challenges when they arise in the future. This kind of safety is the gold standard in relationships. Knowing how important it is for you to find someone you can be yourself with, please pay attention to how safe YOU are for potential partners too. Contact me for coaching if you want to learn how to be a safe partner, practice healthy communication, and have a loving cheerleader in your corner. I sincerely believe in you.

Love Annie xoxo

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