LESSONS IN LOVE AND LETTING GO

I was sick with jealousy. I started checking his Internet history and phone every day. I told myself I’d be able to trust him again if I saw that he wasn’t lying or cheating. It wasn’t an invasion of privacy because he should have nothing to hide, I reasoned. The whole time I was doing it, I felt physically ill; like I was going to vomit, with my heart racing and my adrenaline spiked.

Eventually, I stopped checking on him because it made me feel so horrible. Soon after, a pharmaceutical injury disabled me and I didn’t care if he was lying or cheating anymore. I was too sick and tired to care. Our relationship was weak. There was constant tension between us. It got to a point where I hoped he’d find someone else because I didn’t have the energy to leave him.

The day, however, came when my health improved enough that I could take care of my children myself. I was approved for disability income benefits and I also received a lump-sum of money unexpectedly. I jumped on the opportunity and ended my relationship. Years of sickness, loneliness, and struggle had changed me. I didn’t want to waste another moment being unhappy.

I LOVED being alone.

I moved with my children into a basement suite I could barely afford, sharing a bedroom with my youngest, who was four-years-old at the time. My other children were ten and fifteen. They helped me a lot with my disability. I had such severe rheumatoid arthritis that sometimes I could not dress myself or even turn a door handle.

Despite how hard it was supporting my children as a single mother, I was more optimistic about life than I’d ever been. My whole attitude about everything had changed dramatically. I absolutely LOVED being alone. I couldn’t imagine being happier with any man than I was on my own. I hoped to get well enough to date and have a wild, passionate love affair, but I had no intention of living with a man ever again.

I looked at relationships very differently. Whereas before my sickness, I had looked for long-term partners “to spend my life with”; I now wanted to grow old by myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in love anymore. In fact I believed in love more than ever. But love meant something different to me now. I didn’t put all my hope into the future anymore. I was living for today.

My experiences had taught me that tomorrow doesn’t exist. It can be stolen in a moment and everything you took for granted is gone. Tomorrow, you may not be able to walk up stairs or turn a door handle.  Tomorrow, you may lose someone you love. Tomorrow, a natural disaster could destroy your plans and goals. Nothing is promised tomorrow. All we have is today.

Over the next several years, my health continued to improve. I returned to work in the adult entertainment industry that I loved. I took motorcycle lessons and got my motorcycle license, and had a love affair with a 2017 Indian Scout Sixty. I tried multiple ways to build an online income stream with failures and successes along the way. I wrote several books including self-help books and fantasy fiction novels. I gave my children everything I had the energy and power to give. I loved them unconditionally every single day. I lived every day to the maximum of my fragile resources.

This had always been on my bucket list.

I also became clear about what I really wanted out of a romantic relationship. It was completely different from my romantic beliefs of the past. For one thing, in the past I’d felt like I “owned” my partners; that I was “entitled” to look through their phones. I was entitled to their complete devotion, for that matter. I believed that they were mine and I had a right to get what I wanted from the relationship.

With pain comes wisdom. Now, I believe in unconditional love. You cannot own a person and also have unconditional love for them. Ownership implies access and privilege; entitlement. Unconditional love asks for nothing in return. No longer would I put conditions on my love. Never again would I invade my partner’s privacy or expect them to love me no matter how atrocious I behave.

When I left my last, miserable relationship (and there were many), my goal was to be happy every day for the rest of my life. I could do that if I didn’t let other people steal my peace.

In 2016, despite my intention to die a spinster, I met someone and fell head-over-heels in love. This was the kind of love I had never experienced before. In the past, even as a young woman when I first started dating, I’d always had a jaded heart. Every person I dated was positioned conveniently behind an emotional wall. I didn’t want to let them hurt me.

But when I met “Russ,” my heart was wide open. My walls were down. I wanted to feel everything fully, without jadedness. I craved something passionate and wild. I wanted to soak up every bit of joy, love, and happiness that I could find. Russ gave that to me, in abundance.

To say that I didn’t see the red flags in Russ would be incorrect. I saw them but I didn’t care. I wasn’t looking for a life mate. Each moment I spent with Russ, I was ecstatically happy. I intended to ride that wave for as long as I possibly could. He was recently separated, living on the road while he worked, and otherwise couch surfing. He made great money and spent it quickly on partying. I knew he lived recklessly. But my life was much better with him in it today. I loved being alone, but I loved being with Russ even more.

Russ became a constant in my and my children’s lives. We shared many values and I loved his zest for living. My children adored him and still do. Most days were wonderful. Deeply wounded parts of me healed in his embrace. We loved to talk to each other and laughed constantly. But nothing and no one is perfect. Russ and I were both broken in different ways. There were consecutive days of sadness, when I asked him to leave. We’ve separated and gotten back together a few times.

I used to stay in toxic relationships until I hated my partner, leaving with anger in my heart. I don’t do that anymore. The times that Russ and I parted ways, I let him go with love; feeling immense gratitude for the wonderful moments, days, months, and years that we’ve shared together. Each time, it broke my heart, of course. But I didn’t let it break my spirit or destroy my life. I simply couldn’t go on the way we were. I wasn’t happy. Each time we got back together, we picked up where we left off with no hard feelings; living for today.

What I have with Russ isn’t marriage. It’s an agreement to love and respect each other today. Sure, we make plans for the future. I would love to grow old with Russ. But I’m not depending on it. I know that the only constant in life is change.

If Russ and I go our separate ways tomorrow, I’ll be okay. Together or apart, I will always cherish the love we’ve shared. I will never regret the incredible passion or the deep, intimate friendship we’ve created with one another. No matter what we have done or that we will do to disappoint each other, nothing can erase the beauty of what we’ve built together as a couple and a family.  

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that today is all we have. What happened yesterday is over and behind us. What happens tomorrow is beyond us. It may not even exist. Today is all we have.

If you’re not sure about your relationship, try this little trick.

Ask yourself: “Do they make me happy today? Is my life better today because they’re in it?”

“Yes? “ Well, then keep them around till tomorrow. “No?” Well, then see how the next few days go. If too many days in a row are unhappy, it’s probably time to let go with love.

Life is short. In fact, it’s only today. Be grateful for the wonderful people in your life and let the rest go. You deserve respect, kindness, understanding, love, and tenderness. Yes, YOU. Your partner does too.

Love Annie xoxo

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