WHY I LOVE EVERYONE, BUT TRUST NO ONE
When I was 14 years old, I was sexually assaulted by three older boys who held me down and forced me to do mushrooms and then took me into a bedroom where they turned on a strobe light in the dark, groped me, started to undress me, and said they were going to rape me. I fought to get away and made it to the larger group, but the experience left a lasting impact on my sense of safety in the world. When I was 16 years old, I chose to share my story as a warning to girls and a lesson for boys in my grade 10 English class.
To provide some background, it was a classic, "girl from the wrong side of the tracks" situation. I had grown up in Rutland but I was now attending a highschool in Kelowna. Some of the teachers at my new highschool unashamedly trash-talked students from my old highschool, making it clear how they felt about me. My English teacher was one of those people. She was the first English teacher I'd ever had who didn't like me. English was my best subject and I was an "A" student. Based on my teacher's animosity alone, I should have known better than to share such a sensitive story in front of her. But I was young and naïve.
As I told my story, one of my friends in the classroom started crying. All of the students were rapt; shocked that I was talking about such a serious subject. As I got to the part where the boys had me in the bedroom and were threatening to rape me, the teacher stopped me. "I'm not sure you should tell any more of this story," she said with contempt and disgust. I felt a stab of pain from her tone but assured her quickly that nothing bad happened after that. I quickly ended my story and my friend burst from the audience to give me a hug. I hated her for that because it embarrassed me.
I don't know what I expected to happen after I shared my story. Perhaps people would tell me about their similar experiences or express some kind of empathy. But other than the friend who I felt had over-supported me to the point of embarrassing me, no one ever mentioned anything about it to me. The silence was deafening, to be honest. Later in the semester, that teacher tried to fail me saying that she had seen me skipping school in Rutland when I'd actually been home sick with strep. I learned an important lesson about disclosure: It makes you vulnerable. In an unsafe environment, vulnerability looks like weakness. And predators prey on the weak.
Despite regretting my public disclosure and the horrible feelings it created when no one validated my experience, I still felt compelled to talk to my fellow students about sexual assault. In Grade 12, I asked the Sex Ed teacher if I could present to one of her classes. She said I could have 20 minutes. I went home that night and prepared a presentation based on my experience and research. I didn't tell my whole trauma story, but I talked about how being a victim of sexual assault makes you feel like it's your fault and it haunts you at random moments. I gave instructions for how to avoid being a perpetrator or a victim of sexual assault. The boys and girls in the room asked questions and before I knew it, the bell rang. I had taken up the entire hour-long class.
I was a natural advocate; something I never decided to become but was compelled to become by some invisible force. I went on to be a media spokesperson and activist for sex worker rights when I was 26 years old, but I always struggled with saying too much. Often, when asked personal questions, I answered them truthfully and made myself vulnerable. I got burned a few times because of it. When I didn't get burned, I still felt haunted by my indiscretions.
As much as I loved people and wanted to help them, I needed to stop trusting them to be well-intentioned. People, sadly, are rarely well-intentioned. Most people are driven by their own agendas, or ulterior motives. I had to stop giving them weapons to use against me. Having my worst moments thrown in my face was painful but the worst part was that I brought it upon myself. It wasn't until I was 28 years old, taking a Public Relations program, that I started to learn how to control my urges to self-disclose the intimate details of my life that are really nobody's business.
Part of my media training involved learning how to speak to reporters by evading questions that I wouldn't want to answer. Politicians do it all the time in very unethical ways, but there are ethical reasons for us to do it in our day-to-day lives, personal safety being the most important. It's also important to learn these skills because it makes dealing with pushy assholes much easier. Here are the tactics I'm talking about: Guide the Discussion; Stay on Message; Give Nothing Away; Say "I Don't Know"; and Set Boundaries When Necessary.
In Public Relations training, we were taught that there is a danger to saying "No comment." Usually, if a company refuses to comment, people assume they are guilty. In our personal lives, refusing to respond to a question is disrespectful and antisocial. That is why I've found it is better to employ these Public Relations techniques in my personal interactions. Remember through this entire process that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER THEIR QUESTION. You can respond to their question without answering it. I will teach you how.
Guide the Discussion
The first thing we need to learn is how to guide a discussion. Corporate spokespeople do this by guiding every conversation back to their main messages. As individuals, our main messages should revolve around who we are as people and what our values are that we choose to live by. Guiding a discussion can be as simple as responding indirectly to a nosy question and then adding "which is why" to the end of a response, leading naturally into one of our main messages.
For instance, if someone asks you if you're still dating the person who stabbed your car tires one time in an argument, you can reply: "That was messed up, eh? Which is why I would never put up with anything like that ever again." The message you are giving is: It's none of your business if I'm still dating that person and I can handle my own life. A pushy person may try again, and you can respond with something like: "That was a strange time in my life, which is why I would rather not talk about it."
We can guide the discussion further by changing the subject. "What about you? What have you been up to lately? I heard your mom moved to the prairies." Most people LOVE to talk about themselves. If we can get them onto a topic they have an opinion about, their intrusive questions will be forgotten rather quickly.
To summarize, we can guide the discussion by responding respectfully with something that acknowledges the question but doesn't answer it, then change the subject to something about them. Rarely, a person will call us out on our diversion. When that happens, I smile and change the subject again. Usually they either take the hint or say something like: "Message received. You don't want to talk about this." And we move onto safer topics. When a person doesn't take the hint, I have to set a boundary which I will cover shortly.
Stay on Message
If there is a specific reason we are meeting with a person or there is an idea or message we truly want to get across to them, this is our opportunity to stay on message. We can feign to be so caught up in thought about the main reason we're meeting that we "didn't hear" their intrusive questions. Then we can simply start talking about the main thing we want to talk about. If we can engage them quickly enough, they won't even notice we ignored them. We can also outright say, "I'm in a bit of hurry today, so let's focus on what we're here to do."
We discussed above how when guiding a discussion, we can guide it into our main messages. The idea is to keep bringing it back to our main messages over and over. In media relations this gives reporters less chances to cut our main messages out of their reporting. In our real lives, it gives people asking personal questions less chances to find our vulnerabilities.
If you don't know what your main messages are, I suggest creating a Personal Constitution. It is essentially a list of values that you want to live by. Imagine what you want people to say about you at your funeral one day. How would you want them to describe you? These are the values that you want to live by. Write them down and read them daily. These are your main messages.
For instance, one of my values listed in my Personal Constitution is that I have hope and I preach hope. I do not want to be remembered when I die as someone who thought everything was hopeless or who told people to give up. If someone asked me: "How can you be so happy when you have to live with an ostomy bag for the rest of your life? I'd want to kill myself." I can reply, "It's a huge adjustment, for sure, but I have hope that I will live a much longer life thanks to having it now." My value of hope is my main message.
A person who asks me a personal question like that, implying that I am a lesser human being because of my ostomy bag, does not need to know the struggles I've had. I don't need to tell them about the fears, doubts, or the moments of depression and anxiety that I've gone through because of my ostomy surgery. It wouldn't be emotionally safe for me to tell them because they see me as damaged.
But I don't need to be offended either. Questions like these are not usually meant to be rude or painful. They merely show that the person asking has very deep insecurities of their own which they are projecting onto me. Focusing on the main messages I have from my Personal Constitution allows me to be the person I want to be. It also enables me to act as an example to the questioner for how they could look at their own insecurities with acceptance rather than self-loathing.
Give Nothing Away
We all have our deepest secrets, rawest moments, and hidden insecurities. These are the parts of ourselves that we must guard from unsafe people and situations. The deepest parts of ourselves must be reserved for people who have proven we can trust them with our emotions and shown us without a doubt that they have our absolute best interests at heart. If there's any doubt in our minds, we should NOT share our private feelings or experiences with them. We can even go so far as to consciously choose who the people we feel safest to talk to are and make a decision not to talk to anyone else about the personal details of our lives.
It takes practice at stopping ourselves and often we'll find ourselves mid-sentence or on the brink of sharing something. If we catch ourselves, we can simply pretend we forgot what we were going to say or come up with something else less private to replace it with. After awhile, it becomes second nature to hold back from sharing anything that can be used against us.
Another way to stop sharing secrets is to talk about emotions rather than events. For instance, if someone says: "I heard that your sister lost custody of her kids," you could respond, "I can't imagine how it would feel to have my children taken away." You are not confirming or denying and you are also not sharing private details about your sister's life. But you are empathizing with her and drawing attention to her humanity. Often, when we draw attention to another person's humanity, it reminds the pushy person to be less judgmental (at least we can hope it does).
Say "I don't know"
In media relations training, one of the things we were warned against doing when talking to reporters was pretending to know something we didn't know. It can be flustering to be asked a question by a reporter. Sometimes, we inadvertently begin answering a question that we don't have all the facts about. Instead of potentially making a major mistake with a reporter, public relations professionals are taught to simply tell them, "I don't know." If it's something that we're willing to share, we can add that we'll get that information for them later. But if we're not sure, a simple "I don't know" is the best response.
The same tactic can be used in our individual lives when being bombarded with personal questions. In fact, "I don't know" is a valid to response to most questions, personal or otherwise. For instance, if someone asks me: "Why didn't [a particular friend] attend your birthday party?" Perhaps I know that the particular friend had a personal reason, or maybe there is a conflict between us. Either way, it's no one else's business and a simple, "I don't know" is the best response.
Set Boundaries When Necessary
Sometimes people push our boundaries to the limits. They don't take hints or they repeatedly overstep in their efforts to dig personal information out of us. When reporters behave this way, we can set boundaries such as: "I won't answer questions about a specific topic. I want to see the questions in advance. I want my interview played in full without any cuts." Reporters have the right to allow or deny our conditions and we have the right to allow or deny interview requests. But in real life, these situations often require much more confrontational techniques for enforcing boundaries.
One way to set a bold boundary is to answer a question with a question, typically: "Why do you ask?" Once they've stammered out a response, follow up with, "But how does it impact you?" Usually, if they have any class at all, they'll realize it's none of their business and one of you can change the subject to something less sensitive. Another way to answer a question with a question that calls the person out directly is to say something like: "Are you trying to upset me? What is your intention right now?" Or even, "Why the fuck do you want to know?"
It's frustrating when a person ignores all hints and nudges, forcing us to literally tell them to fuck off, but it happens sometimes. We can also call people out with gentle questions and statements, like: "I don't feel comfortable with all the questions you're asking me." "I'd rather not talk about these things.” "Can we please change the subject?" "I really wish you'd stop asking me."
More confrontationally, I've said: "I don't appreciate the tone of voice you are using with me." "I don't like what you're implying." "I don't deserve to be treated this way." "Please step out of my personal space right now." Sometimes we must be very firm to get our point across. I don't feel bad about it if I've given them ample opportunity to catch my respectful hints and they still continue to bulldoze me.
Moral of the Story
I offer a lot of suggestions and examples in this article about how to prevent ourselves from oversharing and ways to manage invasive questions from well-meaning, as well as ill-intentioned people. I don't expect you to remember everything I've said. You must find your own words and techniques for avoiding the dangers of sharing too much. Remember that the number of people you are safe to share the deepest parts of yourself with are few and can usually be counted on one hand. Everyone else should be considered unsafe and therefore, keep your private matters to yourself.
Also, remember that you don't have to answer any question that you don't want to answer. Depending on the situation, you can respectfully avoid the question or directly set a boundary. Don't feel bad for not trusting people. If they are offended, then they are likely more untrustworthy than you realized. People you can trust with your feelings won't be offended when you set a boundary. In such cases where they ARE offended, don't respond to their offense by giving in to the pressure. This is only the first act of a tragedy they will play out in your life. If you give in, they will throw it in your face. Take my word for it.
The world is full of incredible, brilliant humans with big hearts and big struggles. We want to believe in their goodness. And people ARE good. But they are also broken, insecure, traumatized, scared, and capable of being vindictive assholes. I don't use this knowledge to spend my days avoiding connection or shutting other people out. Instead, I choose to love everyone, but trust no one. I love their beautiful souls but I don't trust their broken egos. To protect myself, I follow the media relations techniques I learned in college.
You could call it the art of deflection, but deflection has a bad reputation as something negative done to avoid responsibility. Politicians use these techniques to avoid being transparent to their constituents. Avoidant partners use these techniques to prevent having meaningful conversations. They are tactics that can definitely be used for bad. But they can also be used for good when you're a person with a passion who has haters in your path. Don't give people the weapons to hurt you if you can avoid it.
When it comes to friends and lovers, it can be tempting to be more forthcoming. We think that we owe it to them to be honest about every detail of our lives. Even though honesty is absolutely integral to a loving friendship or partnership, we do not need to share EVERYTHING. For instance, don't tell your lover if someone hits on you if you think they will feel jealous. Don't tell them that someone hurt your feelings if you think they will lash out at that person. Even with our closest friends and lovers, we must recognize that some things are better left unsaid.
Learning not to overshare is important for every interaction we engage in. It increases our sense of personal safety, gives us time to get a better sense of who we can trust, and prevents needless suffering. It also makes us more confident. In the meantime, don't fret over past indiscretions. Take it from the famous Roman Emperor and Stoic, Marcus Aurelius, who said:
When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you.
Love Annie xoxo
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