INTIMACY SURVEY RESULTS

People lack intimacy in their lives for a variety of reasons, according to a recent intimacy survey I posted. For participants, reasons included: coping with health issues (their own or their partner’s), partner disinterest / withholding of intimacy, being alone, personal choice, distance from partner, and self-consciousness. Although the sample size was small (24 respondents), I feel like these are common reasons why many of us lack intimacy.

I want to thank everyone who participated in the intimacy survey. I apologize it has taken me awhile to get to compiling and sharing the results. If you see your own quote below and you want me to remove it, please let me know. I do not use any identifying information but I also don’t want to make anyone feel unsafe. I included some interesting quotes to give you an idea of what people are experiencing.

Here are the results of the Intimacy Survey!

Out of 24 respondents who were aged between 30 and 77 years old, 15 identified as men, three as women, and six did not share their sexual identity. Nine people indicated they were married and one was a widower. A whopping thirty percent identified as disabled with issues that included gastrointestinal disorders, addiction, mental health challenges, and autism spectrum disorder.

Many of the respondents shared that there were repeating patterns for them where intimacy was concerned. They listed: shutting people out, losing relationships due to addiction, feeling insecure, letting people cross boundaries due to fear of abandonment, being a “rescuer” who is attracted to dating criminals, and being the more loving partner in a lopsided relationship.

When asked a general question about how they imagine a perfect life to be, the most common answer from respondents who were both married and single is that they desired an intimate, connected relationship. The next most popular answer was that more sex would be great. And others wished to be pain-free and have financial security.

I asked respondents what scares them where intimacy is concerned and it was very eye-opening. The most common response was a fear of being judged or shamed. The next most common answer was the fear of being abandoned. Three were tied in third place: fear of getting too attached / hurt; fear of not being enough; and fear of rejection.

I found it very interesting that 75% of respondents checked off “physical touch” as one of their main love languages. Next was “quality time” (54%) Then “acts of service” (33%). “Words of affirmation” (25%). And finally, “receiving gifts” (4%). I wonder if more women responded to the survey if these percentages would be significantly different. (My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.)

Here are some interesting quotes from the surveys:

“I’ve only had sex with one person ever and that happened when I was 57.”

“My wife lacks a desire for intimacy (snuggles, cuddles, light touching, caressing, playful kissing, etc). But my intimacy desire is high, so I just wait until she’s ready, willing and able. I have too many wonderful memories to just leave her. So, I’m stuck with her until I either stop loving her or I don’t want to wait for her anymore.”

“I have a number of close friends. I sing in a chorus which I love. I enjoy the community where I live.”

“Physical intimacy with my wife is minimal, limited to a cursory peck on the cheek when saying goodbye. Beyond that, it's non-existent. While I have close friends, our interactions are limited to hugs. Outside of this, my career demands the majority of my time and energy.”

“I pull away from intimacy at times and my partner then indulges in online sex which makes me feel less desirable. We were in the lifestyle so I am aware of being with others and the online world. I resent that he hides his activity and I draw away from him. Then I cannot keep quiet and I ask what’s going on - we don't fight but I do tell him how it makes me feel. We do talk about this and work through it.”

“[My perfect life] Honestly being in a committed relationship where there is trust and understanding. Where both parties are comfortable to express themselves honestly. Past that, I would love to be with someone that wanted similar things to myself that we both work towards the same goals.”

“I do not think I have the same values and beliefs as our north American society, and that makes me feel alone and a little scared to be my true self publicly.”

“For me, the cornerstone of an ideal relationship is connection, both physically and intellectually. True connection is when this bond is mutual and reciprocated. My thoughts focus more on physical intimacy and touch because that is what is missing in my life. A few years ago, I sought out physical intimacy and touch through massage. Annie’s profile resonated with me, and from the first massage, there was an unexpected gift of connection in both intellectually and physically with her. Annie has become an important part of my life, and heart.” (Well, thank you! You are an important part of my life too, Beautiful. Xoxoxo)

Conclusion

Intimacy is very important to all of us, even if we define it differently. It is something that we may struggle with achieving whether we are single or married. Older participants focused more on connection and bond whereas younger participants seemed more focused on sex, which is interesting because it shows our shifting priorities as we age.

At least one respondent mentioned friendships as a place to find intimacy and connection. I believe the majority of us think intimacy is reserved for lovers but it can be found in close friendships as well. Connecting with people is the way to create intimacy. I try to do it with everyone I speak to.

If you are struggling with intimacy or relationship issues in your life and you would like to talk it out with someone who has a very unique perspective, book a virtual coaching session with me. As a disabled sex worker, I have learned how to navigate the majority of relationship and intimacy issues in ways that are respectful, empowering, and genuine. You can too.

Love Annie

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