WHY “MONOGAMY CULTURE” IS TOXIC
Last weekend, I opened my social media to find that a young man I know had his Facebook and Instagram hacked. The perpetrator had posted incriminating evidence of the young man talking about cheating on his girlfriend and doing cocaine; as well as a video showing him with cocaine on his face. Below the posts, there were supportive comments and people condoning the hacker's behaviour, like, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Seeing this young man's reputation being maliciously and intentionally destroyed by a woman who is supposed to "love" him made me feel sick to my stomach. My heart started to race with anxiety on behalf of the 23-year-old whose boss, grandparents, and everyone else in his life were witnessing her deliberate smearing of his name and her effort to turn others against him. If this is LOVE, I thought, then no wonder people don't believe in it anymore. Sadly, this young woman's toxic behaviour is glorified in pop culture. Songs like this one by Carrie Underwood glorify abusing our partners when they cheat:
"I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive / Carved my name into his leather seats / I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights / I slashed a hole in all four tires / Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats"
Songs like this make us feel powerful as we sing along and experience our own imaginary indignance on behalf of all women who've been cheated on. They trigger the emotions of being cheated on ourselves; the feeling of utter and complete betrayal. When we are cheated on, we think, "What is wrong with me?" and "I thought he loved me." We know we have to do something about it. We can't just let it go and stay together, because then it will happen again.
We think of ways to punish them for cheating. We cry, scream, shame them, physically lash out, and post on social media about our horrible, cheating partners. These are natural reactions to cheating, right? Monogamy culture would have us believe that these are totally natural reactions. But the truth is that monogamy culture is a bigger problem than the cheating. Monogamy culture almost guarantees relationship failure if we believe all the hype we've been raised and conditioned to believe.
"But I love monogamy," you might say. In all honesty, I love monogamy too. I love knowing that my partner isn't going to inadvertently bring home an STI to me. I love the feeling of safety that comes with believing that my partner is only having sex with me. The problem is not with monogamy itself. Monogamy is simply a promise to not engage in sexual behaviours with others. Monogamy culture, on the other hand, is a conditioned belief system that leads to several false relationship beliefs:
We own our partners.
We are entitled to know every person they talk to and every thing that they do.
We are entitled to invade their privacy, like searching their phones and pockets.
We deserve a perfect mate.
We deserve complete devotion and faithfulness no matter how we treat our partners.
If we truly believe one or more of the above statements to be true, we are setting ourselves up for painful, miserable relationships. The shocking reality is that monogamy culture has created mountains out of molehills and monsters out of people who are supposed to love us.
As young children, we are taught that one day we will find our soulmate, marry them, have children with them, and be in love with them till the day we die, never straying (unless we are the scum of the earth). Girls are taught to dream about our wedding dress and Prince Charming. Boys are warned to have fun before "the ball-and-chain" gets them. We are all taught that infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. We are even shamed by friends and family when we take back an “unfaithful” partner. As a disabled sex worker, I've learned a lot about how monogamy culture fails us in many ways. I’ve also learned that:
CHEATING DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL
Phrases like "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and "No one can be trusted," are the kinds of things we tell ourselves that make us into toxic partners. They are also not true. There are many reasons why people break their promises of monogamy. Some include:
They are insecure and it makes them feel better about themselves that someone else finds them attractive.
They are attracted to someone, have the opportunity, and decide to take it, just this once. (Which can lead to habitual behavior.)
They are planning to break up with their partner anyway.
They have a sex addiction – which, like all addictions, is rooted in trauma and an inability to heal from and grow out of the trauma.
They want to make themselves look cool among their friends.
They want to get back at their partner.
They want to feel less dependent on their partner for acceptance and love.
Their partner is unable or unwilling to meet their intimacy needs.
Knowing some of the reasons why people cheat can help us understand their motivations. We can stop asking ourselves and them, "BUT WHY?" The true reasons are likely unconscious. Our partner's usually don't even know why.
It doesn't matter why, my friend. It happened and now we have to deal with it. We can key their car like Carrie Underwood in her song or we can attempt to destroy their reputation like the girl who hacked her boyfriend's social media accounts. OR, we can deprogram our monogamy culture belief systems and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships without worrying about infidelities. Keep reading to start your deprogramming…
The Feeling of Ownership
“He’s Mine! Stay away from him!" How many times have you heard this or something like it? No one bats an eye because having grown up mired in monogamy culture, we don't realize how toxic and controlling that sounds. Somewhere along the line, we've learned that when we are in a “monogamous” relationship, we somehow “own” the other person. We believe we have a right to control our partners' behaviours to make sure they remain faithful. We say who they can be friends with, when we expect them to be home, and question their every move. We want them to take us with them everywhere, because what better way to prevent infidelity? But is that real love; forcing our partners to be faithful? Don’t we want real love? Or is the appearance of real love enough for us?
When our partner's behaviour towards another person makes us feel threatened, we believe we have every right to rage out on them, shame them, get back at them in various ways, and generally punish them for whatever it is they did. We cry and try to make them hurt as much as we hurt - which is a lot, when you buy into the ownership idea. But is that any way to treat someone we love? Aren’t verbal, physical, and emotional abuse always wrong, no matter what the circumstances? Not so, in monogamy culture. It’s perfectly acceptable to lash out at the ones we claim to love because we own them.
But the truth is, that we do NOT own each other. Nor do we owe each other “forever.” We do not have to stay in the relationship if we don’t want to. And I don't think any of us signed up to be abused. The truth is that our promises of monogamy are the promises between people who choose to trust each other and make love to no one else. That is, simply put, the limit of monogamy: a promise and a choice to trust. It is not ownership. And, as we all know, promises are often broken.
Personally, I believe that monogamy CULTURE is to blame for a lot of broken promises. When we feel someone trying to control us or own us, our first primal instinct as humans is to rebel against their control. When we feel limited or confined, we naturally seek to be liberated; even if we hide what we’re doing because we don’t want to fuck up our entire lives just for a little liberation.
Nothing breaks a heart like an infidelity. It is the ultimate betrayal. Or, is it? My views on infidelity changed when I realized that I could have sex with someone, not my partner, and my feelings for my partner would not change in any way in the least. Yes, sex is intimate and private. But love is not required to enjoy it.
The Feeling of Entitlement
We are never entitled to anything, even if we've been promised monogamy. We are not entitled to know all our partner's secrets or all their past traumas. We are not entitled to invade their privacy or track their every movement. We are not entitled to all of their spare time and energy.
If you find someone that you’re happy with, then that is a blessing to be celebrated. Cherish what you have while it lasts. You are entitled to nothing more than what they offer you at this moment. But what if your partner is pulling away from you or taking you for granted? There are two solutions to this problem:
Stay together but make your own life without them until they either realize they’ve taken you for granted, or
Break up. It’s your life to live. Don’t waste it on people who don’t respect you and your time or energy.
If I decide that I would be happier single and less stressed, less insecure, less psychotic (LOL), then I will begin the process of letting go with love. I'll make plans for my liberation in the most respectful way possible. Rather than having hate and anger between us, I want us both to be happy.
I’ve let my partner, Russ, go with love a few times. And I also took him back with love. There are no rules about changing our minds, despite what monogamy culture would have us believe. It’s no one else’s business, unless you make it their business.
Disrespecting the Journey
When you find out that the person you’ve been seeing for a long time has been hiding a secret from you, how do you react? Do you consider how much shame they must feel to hide that secret from you? Do you ask yourself what you could have done differently to facilitate them feeling safe enough to tell you their secret? Or, do you become angry and vengeful? Do you want to punish them for daring to hide such a huge secret from you? Do you feel like it was a deliberate intention to deceive you? In short, do you make it all about you?
If you want your partner (or any other person you care about) to feel comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities with you, it is imperative to respect their journey. You must behave respectfully towards your partner no matter what they do that disappoints you. Remember: We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. If your partner’s behaviour causes too much unpeace, you always have the option to let go with love. If you don't want to walk away – if you have too much love for your partner to throw it all away, the other option is to understand with love. You can decide the relationship is worth keeping, or you can thank the universe for the amazing times you had together and say goodbye with love.
No one is perfect and we should not expect our partners to be. Every person has their own journey in this life; their own challenges and successes and their own mountains and valleys. Each of us gets hurt and keeps going. We know that, because we are still here. When we understand that our partners (and children too) have their own journeys, it becomes easier to respect their decisions no matter how disappointing those choices may be.
Respect your partner’s journey. Do not expect them to be perfect. Accept their kinks and secrets as part of their journey. Don't take it personally. And if you cannot live with whatever part of their journey is hurting you? Let them go with love so you can both move forward to something else beautiful in your lives.
Till Death Do Us Part
A huge part of monogamy culture is this idea that we must mate for life. Well, you might say, it’s animal instinct for females to seek out males who will protect them and provide for them while the females carry and raise the children. Some also say that this is why boys seek out multiple partners. Their primal instinct is to spread their seed. I don’t know about primal instincts, but I do know that both men and women long for “forever love.”
It is not just women who seek soulmates for life. And it is not just men who break their monogamy promises. What seems very natural in all of us, is the desire to seek out mates with whom we can make plans for the future. What we SHOULD have learned instead is:
"Till Toxicity Do Us Part"
None of us should feel obligated to stay in a relationship with a toxic, disrespectful, controlling, or otherwise abusive partner. Marriage vows or not, it is a ridiculous expectation. Similarly, spouses who've lost interest in sex who expect their partners to go without sex or intimacy for the rest of their lives, are not behaving with love or respect for their partners.
But, you might say, we can't have people leaving their partners just because they get sick or because they become disabled. I disagree. I’ve been the sick one in a horrible relationship. I WISHED my partner would leave me because I was too weak to leave him.
If the relationship with the sick or disabled person is unhealthy and toxic, you will do them and yourself a favour by ending it. As a chronically ill, disabled, level-headed woman – I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of obligation. I want someone to be with me because they WANT to. Furthermore, being in a toxic relationship interferes with healing. People often make miraculous improvements in their recovery when they leave toxic relationships.
Shaming, expectations, and entitlement have no business being in relationships. If my partner doesn't want to be with me, I won’t try to make him. Similarly, if the relationship has run its course and I am no longer enjoying it, I won't disrespect my partner by staying in the relationship with one foot out the door. My partner deserves better. We both do.
I spent years watching other people have lives when I was too chronically ill and disabled to have a life of my own. I learned that today is all I have. If my relationship upsets me every day, I am wasting what little time I have. I don't want to waste a moment. I want to take advantage of every moment instead. You should too.
Ethical Non-Monogamy
When cheating happens, we are taught that we must do one of three things:
Break up for good.
Stay together and use threats and other behaviours as punishment.
Stay together and harbour resentment.
I have employed all of the above strategies for cheating and I can truthfully say that none of them improved my relationships. However, everything changed when I found a partner who is also my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without him. We talk about everything. We laugh together every day. We respect each other's journeys and apologize when we behave disrespectfully towards each other. Even if my partner broke up with me, I will always consider him to be a treasured friend.
I have so much love and admiration for my partner that even if he cheated on me, I wouldn't want to lose him. The truth is, there are other ways to handle infidelity than making it into a huge deal and acting like it is the ultimate betrayal. To me, an infidelity is a reason to have a vulnerable, heart-to-heart discussion about whether we want this monogamy promise anymore or not.
Ethical non-monogamy offers a respectful option for couples who love each other deeply but don't want to be monogamous anymore, for whatever reason. If my partner cheated, I would ask him very respectfully if he'd like to discuss having experiences outside of our relationship. If he has kinks that I'm not satisfying or a desire for the excitement of being with someone new, my mind is open to the idea of letting him explore that.
As an intimacy provider, I'm biased about how to go about engaging in ethical non-monogamy. I strongly encourage couples to see sex workers together or separately. It's incredible what a little "extracurricular" excitement can do to spice up a relationship. I also prefer sex workers because they are professionals who respect your boundaries and won't bring drama to your relationship. This is how I would do it, but I know many others who are swingers, polyamorous, open, and otherwise ethically non-monogamous with each other's blessing.
For ethical non-monogamy to work, both partners must agree on the "rules" and discuss potential situations that we worry about happening. For instance, I fear getting an STI from my partner engaging in unsafe sex. Safe sex is a requirement for me. When couples are considering ethical non-monogamy, we must share our fears with each other. Fears like:
What if they like the other person more than me?
What if they say they're okay with this but really they're not?
What if they use this against me in a future argument?
What if people find out?
What if I don't enjoy my experience with another person?
What if I feel jealous?
These and many other fears may come up if you are considering ethical non-monogamy with your partner. It's our job to reassure each other of our love and commitment to the relationship.
If you're doing ethical non-monogamy "to keep them" but you don't really want to do it, and it's eating you up inside, then you are not ready for it. It's possible that you are not with the right partner for an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Perhaps you have too much shame and pain around sex and sexuality for this to be an option for you. Or perhaps, you simply desire a monogamous relationship and have no interest in ethical non-monogamy. If that is the case, be honest with yourself and your partner. Ask for what you really want – monogamy. And if they can't give that to you, then move on. Open the door for the right person to come into your life.
Essentially, ethical non-monogamy is a way to stay in a relationship with someone you love, without making promises you can't keep. Perhaps you are the one who wants an open relationship. For me, having experiences outside my relationship sounds like fun. I would never want to hurt my partner. But if we both agree on the rules and allow each other to explore, then no one gets hurt. My partner and I are really good at letting each other know how much we love and appreciate each other. That's all we need to slay the jealousy dragon. We know that we pick each other over everyone else for companionship, friendship, support, love, and a shared life. A little ethical non-monogamy can't ruin what we have. On the contrary, it has had the effect of enhancing our relationship.
What I've found is that people in ethically non-monogamous relationships do not stay this way forever. They go through phases of non-monogamy and phases of monogamy. It is not something that must be set in stone. If ever a day comes when we can't agree, then it likely means we've run our relationship course and it's time to let go with love. Ethical non-monogamy can only work if both partners feel safe and excited about trying it. I’ve seen the destruction that happens when one partner is pretending, and it’s not pretty.
Loyalty is More Important Than Fidelity
This may be hard to believe but I've learned that loyalty is more important than fidelity. People expect each other to be faithful but loyalty seems to be in short supply. True loyalty is:
Standing up for our partner, even when we don’t want to
Being there for our partner when they are sick or hurt; when they are grieving or suffering
Always having our partner’s back
Loving our partner even when we don’t love the behaviour – seeing the person behind the behaviour
Recognizing our own role in any relationship struggles and making an effort to avoid similar mistakes in the future
Letting go with love when required
Loyalty is much more important than fidelity. I would be more hurt to find out my partner is trash talking me than to find out he had "an indiscretion." It would hurt deeply to know he thinks so poorly of me that he announced it to someone else. Sex, on the other hand, is just sex. It's not "against" me. But a social media post about me being a total loser is definitely "against" me.
Loyal people do not behave like the young girl who hacked her boyfriend's social media account. In fact, I'd say her cheating boyfriend is more loyal than her because he has never tried to humiliate her publicly. I am not condoning cheating. I see it as a broken promise. But disloyalty is an insidious relationship killer, much more intentionally destructive than cheating.
Cheating does not have to be the ultimate betrayal. It doesn't have to devastate us. We are not weak if we stay together to try and heal our relationship after an infidelity. There are no rules when it comes to love. There are simply people who care deeply about each other and want to learn how to respect and honour each other every day. It is possible to survive an infidelity. It can even make your relationship stronger. You choose.
Love Annie xoxo
If you enjoyed this article, please scroll down and subscribe to my newsletter!