THE POWER OF GIVING RESPECT
Raise your hand if you grew up around yelling, vocal criticism directed at you or others, name-calling, shaming, controlling behaviours, pressure to be a certain way, the silent treatment, condescending tones of voice, passive-aggressive behaviours designed to hurt you or others, sarcasm, or a silencing of your voice or the voice of others? Personally, my hand is raised for several of these examples. Typical parenting when I was growing up and even parenting advice in books at the time taught people to punish, shame, withhold, and otherwise control and manipulate their children. It was normal.
Generationally, many Canadians, including myself, are descendants of residential school survivors. My grandparents’ and great grandparents’ children were ripped away from them, or they were children who were ripped away from their parents, or both. Trauma is passed down through generations. Considering that the last residential school closed in 1997, we haven't had a chance to heal collectively from these traumas. Likewise, many of European descent were generationally persecuted too. Even Canadian people of the 2020's who were segregated for their injection status will pass that trauma down to our children through our genes. This has been proven by quantum mechanics, that we evolve based on our perceptions of the external world. I know I will never feel safe from my government again. My point being, that we come by our "disrespectful" behaviours honestly. There is no one to blame. We naturally learn them because of the way we perceive our environment.
Some of the behaviours I've mentioned would be considered abuse, but for the purposes of this article, I want to look at it from a more neutral perspective and focus on the kind of disrespect that is common and even socially acceptable in our respective cultures. The astonishing thing is that much of our disrespect towards others is unconscious. It is what was modeled to us when we were growing up and we don't know any different. You might say that we've been "programmed" to be disrespectful. Usually we try to control ourselves at work or with our friends. It is less socially acceptable, but even coworkers and friends can be disrespectful. I mean, we already have to put up with disrespect from our loved ones, why do we have to put up with it at work and play too? The truth is, unless we are helpless children and have no choice, we don't have to put up with it from anyone and others don't have to put up with it from us. There is a better way.
Let's switch the script. Imagine, we were all raised around people who modeled respect for others. Not just some others, but everyone was given respect in their day-to-day lives. Imagine how that would open us up to fuller experiences and more confidence. We would learn how to talk to our loved ones with respect. We'd be able to tell our loved ones anything, because even if they were disappointed, they'd still treat us with respect. No would always mean no because you when you respect someone, you value their consent. Children would not be shamed by their parents; they would be respected no matter what mistakes they made or what the adorable little assholes behaved like. Our communication with each other would be way more evolved because we would have to learn how to tell our partners our needs and desires in a respectful way, rather stomping around angrily or giving the silent treatment, expecting our partners to know what we want.
You may be feeling attacked by what I've said so far. You may think to yourself that you do some of these things, but they are not disrespectful. Or perhaps you believe that your loved ones deserved it. You might be feeling vindicated because you've been disrespected in your relationship for a long time and you can't recognize your own part in it. Whatever you are feeling, I ask you to set it aside for a moment, and imagine yourself being respectful to absolutely every single person in your life no matter who they are or what they do. You can get exasperated in the heat of a moment. You can cry for the pain you're feeling. Our natural reaction to a threat is part of our animal instinct. We have no control over that. But once the initial reaction passes, imagine saying sorry for anything disrespectful you may have said in your high anxiety state. Imagine trying, next time, to hold your tongue until you calm down, so that you don't have to say sorry. Imagine taking responsibility for your own behaviour, recognizing that everyone deserves respect, including you.
Now, here's the real kicker. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without mutual respect. Read that again. If one person or both in the relationship are speaking in a demeaning tone to the other, punishing their partners for behaviours they don't like, pouting or shaming their partner occasionally, or otherwise disrespecting their partners; they will never have a healthy relationship with each other. However, there is good news too. The good news is that you don't have to heal yourself before you get into a relationship, like most people believe. It is commonly believed that you can't have a healthy relationship unless both partners are healed from their own shit. This is not actually true. You can be a broken mess and your partner can be a broken mess, and you can still make it work – if you respect each other. Obviously, this doesn't mean we put up with bullshit, but that's about setting boundaries, which I talk about in another article. It means that to heal, we don't need to be alone; we need to feel respected.
When I met Russ, I was traumatized from being in a recently-ended relationship with a narcissist for 13 years, 8 years of which I was chronically sick and disabled. I was insecure about my scars and suffering from touch-starvation and post traumatic stress disorder. Russ was coming from a recently-ended relationship with a woman who would lie to others, accusing him of horrible things he didn't do, to punish him for not living up to her expectations. He struggled with addiction and often failed to live up to expectations. The abuse he experienced was toxic. She even contacted me trying to sabotage my relationship with him, that's how sick she was. In a way, Russ and I were perfect for each other. I didn't have any expectations because I wasn't looking for a life mate. I was looking for a wild, passionate love affair after years of being starved for affection. I merely wanted to make the most of today. I didn't even know if I had a tomorrow. Being sick had taught me that. Russ made me feel like I was a fun, interesting, desirable person to be with. He liked spending time with me and he made me laugh. What a drastic change from my ex.
We were two broken people who were also extremely sensitive to being disrespected. We both had left our previous relationships knowing that we could never tolerate being disrespected by a partner again. We both wanted peace, not war, in our lives. Therefore, we treated each other with respect, and when one of us forgot, we reminded each other. The reminding took the form of us saying to each other, "Please don't talk to me like that" and even went as far as us breaking up a few times, when Russ's addiction issues brought more frequent disrespect, and unpeace, to my life. What I didn't do was disrespect him when he fucked up. As much as it hurt to watch him destroying himself, I respected his journey. I remembered that you can't control others, you can only control yourself. I blessed Russ for everything we had had together and I let him go with love. Fortunately for us, we reconciled each time this has happened. We have both healed so much because we've been able to give each other the respect we both deserve.
Respecting my children has been an incredible gift, as well. Two of my children are adults now and one is finishing elementary school. I am very close to all three of them. They didn't go through the terrible teens. They didn't lie to me or lash out towards me. The occasional snarky comment elicited my usual response, "Please don't talk to me that way" and that is all it has taken. The reason is because for the majority of their lives, I have practiced respect with them. It didn't start out that way. I started out as an authoritarian parent. I used yelling, intimidation, punishment, tone and volume of voice, among other behaviours to try to control my children when they were young. The reason I changed was twofold:
I was a sex worker and I knew one day I would have to explain it to my children. I was terrified they would reject me when they found out. I wanted to create an open, honest, respectful relationship with each of them so that when the day when they understood about my sex work experience arrived, they would still love and accept me. I also wanted them to feel safe to come to me about anything. I knew that I would have to respect them, no matter what they did, if I wanted them to feel safe to talk about any thing they are struggling with in their lives. I knew this because it was the reason I didn't talk to my own mother. I didn't feel that she truly respected me after I became a sex worker.
After years of chronic illness, I also knew what mattered most. As I often lay on my back, engaging with my children as best I could from the reclining position, I would ponder how precious my children were to me. The housework, my job that I lost, my terrible marriage – none of that actually mattered because I only had the energy to focus on one thing. I focused on my children. I was sad that I couldn't do a lot of things with them because of my illness, but what mattered is that they knew how much I loved them and we spent time talking together respectfully. If I died, I wanted their memory of me to be a loving, respectful memory.
Years and many health challenges later, my children accept my sex industry work because of the respectful relationship I've built with them. They know without a doubt how much I love them because I prioritized them when I could do very little else. The stigma I have experienced, the horrible relationships, and the health traumas; as hard as they've been to go through, they taught me extremely valuable lessons, including the value of respect and what's important in our lives – our most precious relationships. In this way I am grateful for the hardships I've endured.
If you're thinking that it will be extremely difficult to change how you've been doing it all your life or if you try to be respectful to everyone for one day and fail; you are correct in thinking that changing our own behaviour doesn't happen overnight. But if you think it is hard, you're wrong. It's easy to do. The simple part is recognizing when we're being disrespectful, stopping ourselves whenever possible, apologizing afterwards whenever possible, and making an honest effort to be respectful to everyone.
As you learn to practice respect, there are certain things to pay attention to in yourself and others. The desire to control. The use of tone and volume of voice to manipulate, shame, or otherwise disrespect. Disrespectful body language. Thoughts of disrespect. As each disrespectful experience arises, imagine how you or another person could handle it respectfully. If you judged someone poorly, defend them in your mind. By doing this, you are rewriting your own programming. Here's an example of reprogramming from my life: In the middle of the night, my daughter woke me up to tell me she can't sleep. My first reaction was frustration and offense – how could she wake me up in the middle of the night when there's no emergency? I told her to go back to bed, and I used an exasperated tone of voice. As she left my room feeling like she'd disappointed me, I roused myself more and admitted to myself that I had been disrespectful to my daughter. As tired as I was, I dragged my ass out of bed, went to her room, and lied down next to her. "I'm sorry for being cranky with you," I said. "Talk to me. What's on your mind that you can't sleep?" It's amazing how far an apology can go in making someone feel better.
Even though I have been practicing "respect" for many years, I am a highly flawed human being (aren't we all?). I still often catch myself being disrespectful and having to apologize. I still ask myself often, "How could I have handled that in a respectful way?" I am still working on reprogramming my unconscious. Recognizing my own flaws helps me to be more forgiving of others when they disrespect me. I am also more aware now of what my personal boundaries are when it comes to respect. For example, I don't tolerate being talked to in a condescending voice. When someone speaks to me that way, I immediately and kindly ask them to stop, whether they are someone I love or a complete stranger. Because of past trauma, tone of voice is very important to me. I can put up with other forms of disrespect much more easily. Like when someone flies off the handle at me, I usually shrug it off as a moment they had. As long as it doesn't continue, I can ignore it. But a rude tone of voice triggers much unpeace for me, therefore it's a boundary that I enforce. My life is much more peaceful now.
Interestingly, there is a never a moment that goes by when we can't practice respect. Certainly, it is something we can do at all times in the presence of others. But it is also something we can practice with ourselves. That inner voice we have that is extremely disrespectful? We need to reprogram that little bitch too. When disrespectful thoughts come up against ourselves, we must change them to respectful thoughts. "I am such a failure" becomes "I made a mistake but it's no big deal. It just means I'm trying." Miraculously, if we practice respecting ourselves, it comes more naturally for us to respect others. Do both to get the best results.
Now, you may wonder, "How can I be respectful when someone is hurting me or someone I love?" I agree. There are times when respect is not our first priority. If someone is coming at you with their fists swinging, feel free to swing your own. However, you might be surprised how powerful respect can be in more subtle attacks. In 2007, when the Breast Cancer Society of Canada wouldn't accept a donation from the stripathon fundraiser I was coordinating, I wrote a press release explaining the situation, that we'd been turned down because we were exotic dancers and we were looking for an organization that would be willing to be associated with us. I was shocked when the story blew up. I became famous overnight (my 15 minutes of fame). The Breast Cancer Society (BCSC) decided to handle the situation disrespectfully. They called us exploited women, which usually has the effect of erasing our voices, and defended their position from the standpoint of being "better" than us. Instead of lashing back, I told the media that I understood why the BCSC didn't want to be associated with us. It was the same reason we hid our jobs from our families and adopted fake names. Stigma.
Rather than being angry and accusing the BCSC of trying to silence and demean us, I chose to use the opportunity to highlight how stigma affects people and organizations. Letters to the editor poured in across Canada in support of our efforts to raise money for cancer. Because of the overwhelming response, many cancer orgs that had turned us down in the past, now said they were willing to accept our donation. Can you imagine if I had behaved angrily and disrespectfully towards the BCSC? I don't think that many orgs would have wanted to work with me. I don't think we would have had the tremendous support of civilians that we had. People would probably have had their stereotypes about strippers satisfied if they saw me in the media being angry and offended. This situation proved how powerful a respectful response can really be.
Change is hard because it takes time and deep down, we usually don't want to make the effort. We have to ask ourselves, "How important is it for me to have healthy relationships with my partner, children, coworkers, friends, and strangers?" If it's important to you, then start practicing respect today. Don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes – that's disrespectful to yourself – just apologize to the person, or to the universal love energy field, and keep going. You will be amazed at how everything changes in your life for the better. Behaviour changes are slow, but the improvements in our relationships are immediate. Respect is a major step in achieving healthy, loving relationships. You'll be so glad you did it.
Love Annie xoxo
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