MY MEMOIR WOULDN’T EXIST WITHOUT THESE FIVE BELIEFS

Over the past three years of writing my memoir, I’ve had to face my fear of coming fully out to my children, parents, and other people in my life. I’ll be honest. I have worried that my parents and children will be embarrassed and ashamed of me.

What if my teenager’s friends’ parents stop allowing them to hang out with my child? What if my landlord sees me or my book somewhere while I’m promoting it? How will my children’s teachers react? As a mother, I have spent years worrying about how my sex industry experience might negatively impact my family.

The ways that my work positively impacts my family are obvious. It has allowed me more quality time with my children, opportunities to support them financially in their interests, family holidays and occasional dinners out at restaurants, the ability to say yes whenever possible because I have control over my own schedule. These are just some of the positives of my work.

However, society doesn’t see it that way and my family members likely struggle to understand, no matter how much they support me and love me unconditionally. I know for a fact that if you aren’t in the industry, you can’t possibly understand it. Stigma has made sex workers into outcasts.

I’m not just afraid about the taboo confessions of my experiences over the course of my life working in adult entertainment. I am also nervous because I am sharing my darkest moments, worst mistakes, deepest traumas, and most hidden vulnerabilities in my memoir. It is a scary feeling to imagine everyone knowing these intimate details about me.

However, I know that if I want my readers to relate to me; I need to show you that I’ve had the same fears, insecurities, misunderstandings, pain, heartbreak, and loneliness that you’ve had.

The fact is, we all have these human experiences but we dehumanize one another. When we don’t see each other’s humanity, it makes us feel alone and we become more easily judgemental. The exciting prospect is that if I can make my readers relate to me, I can break down some of the division in our society.

Despite having this worthy goal, I have struggled with my fears about sharing my secrets with the world. To conquer my fears, I’ve had to take steps to strengthen my resolve. I’ve had to tell myself certain things to prevent me from losing my courage. Here are the five things I tell myself every day since I started writing my memoir.

1. IT WILL BE OKAY. I have to believe that it will be okay. When I release my memoir, “How Sex Work Shaped My Life,” it will not cause a terrible avalanche of disaster in my life. I have to believe that everything will most likely turn out fine. Usually the things we fear don’t ever come true. I remind myself of this.

2. I CAN HANDLE IT. I have to believe that if releasing my memoir does cause an avalanche of disaster in my life for some reason, I will be able to handle it. I’ve handled a lot of shit in my life. I truly believe there isn’t anything I can’t handle. It doesn’t mean it will be easy or painless, but I will handle it. I pray it doesn’t happen, but if it does, I’m the strongest person I know. This is what I tell myself.

3. MY CHILDREN CAN HANDLE IT. I have to believe that my children are strong enough to handle whatever impacts might occur from the release of my memoir. Two of my children are adults. My teenager is a feisty warrior like her mother. All of my children are strong and nonjudgmental. They know the book is coming and we’ve talked about it. I didn’t ask their permission because I don’t need anyone’s permission to be who I truly am without shame. But I am grateful that they will be able to handle it, whatever comes our way.

4. I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS. I’ve had to let go of feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. I cannot control others, I can only control myself. My parents, children, or other people in my life may not feel good about me releasing my life story but I cannot take that on. I must allow them to deal with their own feelings. I can be available for them to talk if or when they need it. But that’s all I can really do if I am to stay true to my own purpose and self.

5. I AM TOO OLD TO CARE ABOUT PLEASING PEOPLE. I am 50 years old. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to finally give myself permission to be who I truly am, without apology. Whenever I start feeling afraid, I remind myself that I’m not a little child disappointing Mommy and Daddy. I am a grown ass woman who has the power to determine my own destiny. I’ve decided that my destiny is to use the skills and abilities I’ve acquired in my life to help heal division in society; and yes, that especially includes my sex work experience because it is where I’ve learned some of my most important lessons. I know that one person can make a difference if they truly want to. I truly want to make a difference in people’s lives.

These five beliefs have been my roadmap to accomplishing the extremely frightening journey to self-publishing my memoir. I’m on the brink of it all and it feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, about to freefall into humanity. Will you catch my fall or will you trample all over me? Only time will tell.

One thing is for certain, I won’t take it lying down. I will rise to every challenge like an unconquerable warrior because that is who I tell myself I am. I surrender to things that are out of my control, like what people will think or say about me. But I will never surrender my destiny. I earned it and I won’t let anyone take it away.

With these thoughts in mind, I bravely begin the two-week countdown to the launch of my tell-all book, “How Sex Work Shaped My Life.”

A sincere thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey as a colleague, client, or fan; especially those who encouraged me during the writing of my memoir. I couldn’t gotten this far without you all.

Love Annie xoxo

CLICK HERE to PURCHASE my memoir “How Sex Work Shaped My Life”