THIS IS HOW I CHANGED MY WICKED WAYS
The first time I made an intentional effort to change a toxic trait was when I read Wayne Dyer's book, "There's A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem," and I realized that I was trying to control every person and situation in my life. Before that, I didn't even realize I was trying to control everything. I just rode the roller coaster of my emotions, reacting to everything, with no real intention about who or how I wanted to be.
While reading that book, I experienced what some people call a "Godshot. It is a sudden epiphany that causes a profound shift in how you see the world. I became obsessed with learning how to let go of my obsessive need to control everyone and everything around me. But I didn't know how I could to do it.
Dr. Dyer had recommended using mantras to shift our thinking. So, I developed a mantra and started making an effort to change. I also continuously examined the fruits of my efforts. Was I changing? Was it working? I was relieved and thrilled, really, to find that it absolutely did work. And now, I'm going to share with you the exact process of how I changed my wicked ways.
I noticed that I went through five distinct stages of change as I went along. Here they are in order:
Stage One – Witness the Emotions
In stage one, no actual change in behaviour occurs yet. It is the beginning point to change. The first step for me was desiring to change. As already mentioned, in this case, I wanted to stop trying to control everyone and everything in my life.
The next step was identifying the behaviour when it happened. At first, I never saw it coming. I became aware of my controlling behaviour after I'd already behaved that way. It seemed that without thinking, I impulsively tried to control my partner, my children, the weather, other drivers, my friends, my brothers … I could go on and on. If it was in my life, I didn't think about it. I just tried to control it.
After behaving the way I didn't want to behave, I'd think, "Oops, I did it again. I was being controlling." Because my need to control people and situations were always accompanied by strong emotions, I had to wait for my emotions to subside before I could stop myself from continuing the behaviour. At this stage, I could only identify it when I did it. But I was not able to stop myself.
Wayne Dyer suggested using mantras and affirmations to help change the way we think. Certain words or phrases that elicit strong emotions can help us change our behaviour. My mantra for learning to let go of control was: "I release myself from the obligation to control others."
These words worked well for me because I realized that I had a false belief that it I knew what was best for everyone. Because that realization made me feel ashamed, that mantra made me feel extra committed to changing my behaviour. That mantra also made me laugh at myself because the idea of being obligated to control others is so ridiculous.
At this stage, whenever I witnessed myself reacting to my emotions by trying to control someone or something, I would repeat my mantra in my head afterwards a few times. "I release myself from the obligation to control others. I release myself from the obligation to control others. I release myself from the obligation to control others."
Stage Two – Release the Emotions
In stage two, change begins but it is not obvious to the people around us. As I became quicker at noticing when I engaged in controlling behaviour, I began to have more control over my emotions that instigated the behaviour. Instead of having to wait to calm down, I would find myself in the middle of a control episode and be able to calm down immediately. My realization that I was being controlling dissolved the bad feelings that made me grasp for control.
Having released my negative emotions, I was able to stop myself from continuing to behave in a controlling way. Sometimes I just stopped and let things happen on their own, accepting whatever unfolded. Sometimes I had to apologize to the person I was trying to control and say something like, "It's okay, do what you want to do. I have no right to try and control you." Having released the emotions and stopped the controlling behaviour, I repeated my mantra to reinforce my intention. Always repeat the mantra.
Stage Three – Resist the Behaviour
It took time, but there came a day when I realized in advance that I was about to engage in controlling behaviour and I was able to stop myself from acting on it. It was hard sometimes, but I did my best to resist the behaviour I was yearning to engage in. This was huge progress for me! In every case, I repeated my mantra to reinforce my intention to change.
Stage Four – Assimilate
This stage occurred gradually when I began to notice that I wasn't needing to say my mantra as often anymore. One day, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I tried to control a situation. I had come to a point where I accepted whatever outcome occurred because it was out of my control, and I no longer felt an obligation to control everything. This marked a character shift inside me that proved I'd been successful in changing my wicked ways. This entire four stage process took place over 1-2 years before I felt fully changed. But it didn't end there.
Stage Five – Maintain
Every so often, over the years that followed, I've caught myself trying, once again, to control a person or situation. But because I had literally repeated my mantra for years, the second I become a witness to my behaviour, I remember my mantra and start repeating it inside my head. No matter which stage I find myself in at that moment, my mantra helps me to release my emotions, stop myself, and let go of control. I have mantras for all of the behaviours I've changed over the years.
But staying changed requires maintenance. I am human and therefore I am always susceptible to reverting to older, less healthy behaviours. Using this five stage process, I've been able to change many of my own toxic behaviours. I continue to face opportunities daily to practice maintenance.
The two most important things I've learned from going through this process are:
It takes time to complete the change. Don't expect it to happen overnight.
It's easy if you really want it. Ask yourself how badly you want to change because if it's not that important to you, you'll never succeed. However, if you truly want it, you can do anything.
After going through this process, I came to a profound realization about my toxic partner whom I was trying to love into healing. I realized that he would never change unless he first recognized he needed to change, then developed a strong desire to change, and then developed a process or mantra to change. Even if he got that far, it would be years before the actual behaviours would change.
I couldn't wait that long, especially since he hadn't even acknowledged his toxic traits. He wasn't near to taking the first step, therefore I was wasting my time. I didn't want to live that life anymore. Keep this in mind if you have a toxic relationship with someone you are hoping will change. Are you willing to wait forever? I wasn't.
When it comes right down to it, we can't control others. We can only control ourselves. We have the power to become who we are meant to be and sometimes that means leaving people behind. Don't worry. There are many of us, including me, who are walking the path to liberation in love. Join me and let's leave the world a better place because we're in it.
Love Annie xoxo
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