HOW TO KNOW IF SHE’S INTO YOU

I’ve heard from many men who are newly single or who’ve never had a girlfriend that dating is a futile practice for them. They come up with all kinds of reasons why no one would want to date them. From body insecurities to sexual inexperience to erectile and ejaculation challenges and more, these men can think of many reasons not to even try.

Some of them can’t stop thinking about the times they were rejected or “friend-zoned.” But the real reason they can’t find someone isn’t because of how others view them. It is because of how they view themselves. Deep down, they don’t believe that someone could find them lovable. It breaks my heart that this is true about so many, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

If this describes you, I want you to know that you can do the self work needed to become more confident, know who you truly are and what value you bring to a relationship, and master the ability to walk away from situations that are unhealthy, no matter how alone you might feel at the time. You can heal your self-concept and become a man who knows who and what he is with no apology. Dating becomes an exciting adventure when you truly know who you are.

Fear, insecurity, and lack of knowledge hold you back from dating. If you can conquer your self-talk, improve your communication and presentation skills, and be provided with some context to arm yourself with as you tread onto the dating battlefield – you will be able to find the courage to put yourself out there and start approaching women.

This article is not about healing your self-concept. I have covered that topic in many other articles and will continue to do so. This article today is to give you context. It is a walk-through visualization of a dating scenario with prompts for how to interpret and manage each stage of the process from getting a woman’s attention, to asking her out, to being rejected, to going on the first date and more.

This visualization is hypothetical but it enables you to put yourself into the shoes of the second-person protagonist. Visualization, itself, is powerful tool for training your mind. Let’s begin …

You walk into your favourite restaurant or pub and walk up to the bar. You can smell the hard liquor and beer, as well as the scents of fried foods. The place is buzzing with conversation and laughter.

You’re dressed well, looking classy and laid back. Your hair and beard are groomed. Your clothes are ironed and your shoes look clean and decent. You have a dab or splash of cologne but you did NOT douse yourself in it. Quality women are attracted to men who appear to be in control of their lives, who can and do take care of themselves, and who make an effort to present well. Just as you appreciate a woman who is takes care of her appearance, we like our men to look polished and sexy too. We don’t like to go home smelling like we swam in a vat of perfume. Easy on the scent, guys.

Don’t worry if you’re overweight. There are lots of hot, fat guys. It’s true that some women will want to make you eat healthy and exercise once they start dating you because they love you and they worry about your health. But you won’t have to worry about that until you’re in the relationship (unless you want to improve your lifestyle for your own health reasons in the meantime). But don’t use being fat as an excuse to believe women won’t find you attractive. It’s not usually your body that a quality woman is most concerned about. A man can be sexy in any body if he carries himself well, believes in himself, and faces the risk of rejection with courage and class.

You’re in the public establishment. At first, you stand with good posture at the bar, you don’t sit. This is a power move with your body language. It suggests strength and vitality. You order a non-alcoholic beverage for yourself, because you don’t want to get drunk and act like a fool; then you survey your surroundings to see if anyone you know is there. You smile at familiar faces, if any, and scan the room casually. This behaviour makes you appear cautious and also curious. Two great traits in a man. As you scan the room, you see her.

She’s sitting with two other women but she’s looking at you. You return eye contact and smile. She smiles back. You tell the bartender that you’d like to buy the woman and her friends a round of drinks, alcohol or non-alcohol. You don’t want to presume she’s a drinker. Spending money suggests to her that you are generous and financially stable because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t offer to buy the drinks.

Buying the drinks is your strategy for getting her attention. There are other ways you could get her attention too. But this is the easiest and most direct way to create a connection and test the waters. Alternatively, you could wait till she’s leaving and run after to ask for her number. You could ask the bartender if he knows who she is and would make an introduction. You could approach the table, greeting the women warmly, and tell them a joke or funny story in hopes that it impresses the woman you are attracted to. There are countless ways to draw her attention. For this scenario, we’re using the strategy of sending over a round of drinks.

Now, you turn your attention to the bartender and the people sitting around you. It’s important that you give her some space. She might be in a relationship and not available to date. She may feel uncomfortable accepting a drink from you because men in the past have had expectations after buying her a drink. She may even refuse the offering of a drink. If she refuses, don’t think twice about it. Continue to enjoy yourself and put it out of your mind. You don’t want to come across as pushy by continuing to pursue her. Let it go and go on with your day.

If she accepts, make sure you give her a wave when the server either offers the drinks or brings them over so that she knows it was you. Give her space again. If she doesn’t come over to speak to you, occasionally look back to see if you can make eye contact again. If she doesn’t make eye contact, she is probably not available or interested. Let it go and feel good for having the ability to give without expecting anything in return. It is a wonderful quality to have.

If you do make eye contact again, smile again. Your smile shows that you are safe for her to interact with. Be careful not to stare for long periods or look at her constantly. She may become uncomfortable or self-conscious. Pay attention to her reaction to your eye contact to identify how to proceed. Does she appear to like it? If she is sending mixed signals, you may decide to leave it be. There is always a risk that the beautiful girl is also a toxic bitch. But, you may just be bad at reading signs. You have to make the assessment yourself depending on her body language at this point.

If she still doesn’t come over but she is smiling openly at you in what seems like an invitation to say hello, wait until there is no food on the table and walk over to ask her for her phone number. Be prepared to accept her rejection with class and composure. If she makes an excuse not to give it to you, express your understanding with kindness and walk away back to your spot. You can literally say, “I understand. I hope you have a wonderful day.” No harm, no foul.

Do not feel embarrassed or self-conscious if she rejects you. It likely means she is in a relationship or isn’t ready to date. Your attention likely flattered her. You’ve done something beautiful by making a woman feel desirable. Be proud of that because it’s a sweet thing to do. As women, we have men come on to us all the time. We can’t accept them all. Many will be rejected. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them. If you are rejected, it just means that she is not the right woman or it is not the right time.

If she rejects you in a hostile, rude, or dismissive way; respond the same as if she was gracious. Your calm reaction shows that you have class. Tell her you completely understand that she is not interested, wish her a lovely day, and walk away back to your spot with your head held high. If she treated you this way, she is a shitty human being. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t take it personally. Her behaviour belongs to her and is not a reflection of you at all. Be relieved that you dodged a bullet.

If she is receptive to you and you get her phone number, send her a text message right away announcing that it is “your name” and this is your phone number. Express that it was nice to meet her. If she doesn’t respond, chalk it up to destiny and move on. She has her own reasons for not responding and they probably have nothing to do with you. I once canceled a date at the last minute because the poor guy had the same name as my ex. I didn’t tell him this was the reason because I knew it was a dumb. I tell you this to demonstrate that there could be any number of reasons why she isn’t responding.

If she responds, ask her if she prefers texting or if she would be okay with you calling her. Text or call depending on her response. Try to pin down a date and time to meet right away. Ask her if she’s free for coffee or dinner in the next week or so. You can give her the choice if you’d like. A coffee is less of a time commitment and may be more comfortable for two strangers to first get to know each other. Or, she may appreciate the offer of dinner and look forward to the extra time getting to know you.

I once had a coffee date with a guy who proceeded to insult me and women in general during our brief chat. I was so happy it was a short date. At the end, he asked if I wanted to see him again. I was shocked that he hadn’t recognized my body language, seen how incompatible we were, or realized how insulting he was. A coffee date might be better for you too, in case she’s difficult to spend time with.

If she says yes to coffee or dinner, ask her if she has a preference for where to meet. If she asks you to choose, be prepared to have a suggestion in mind. If she doesn’t like your choice, offer another one. If she doesn’t like that choice, be patient and ask her again to choose. She may just be flustered with making a decision because she is nervous and wants to impress you. Or, she may be a person who struggles making decisions.

Once the location is agreed upon, make a reservation if possible. Then, ask if she’d like you to pick her up or meet her there. I daresay most women would rather meet a stranger away from their home when first getting to know him, but if you already had a chance to talk or she feels safe due to having roommates or for whatever reason, she may prefer to be picked up from home.

If you do not drive a car, tell her. Explain why you don’t drive because she will probably wonder. If she is turned off by your lack of a vehicle, she’s probably not the right woman for you. Don’t take it personally. A woman who values your ability to get around by bus or bicycle is a better choice for you. If she’s not put off, she may offer to pick you up instead.

If you go to pick her up, let her know in advance if you’re riding a motorcycle. Some women do not feel comfortable riding on a motorcycle with someone they don’t know very well. I’m one of those women. I’ve seen too many guys ride recklessly and think they’re cool. I’m not interested in putting my safety at risk because of a guy trying to act cool. I’ve ridden my own motorcycle and know how dangerous even a minor accident can be.

When you are parked, text her to let her know you’ve arrived. Give her a chance to let you know if she’s ready. If she invites you in, wait whereever she directs you to wait. If she does not direct you, stand at the door and wait patiently there. If she invites you in, take off your shoes (unless otherwise instructed).

Be sure to tell her she’s beautiful. Compliment her home, if you feel inspired to. Smile and let her do most of the talking. This is your chance to get to know her. Respond without sarcasm to her comments and questions, being sure to ask her the same questions in return. For instance, if she asks you what you do for work, tell her and then ask her what she does. Listen attentively when she speaks.

This is also your chance to get an idea of what she is like. Is she messy or clean? Does her home smell like cooking or perfume? Does she have pets? Are there photos of family members? Does she have a minimalist style or do ornaments crowd every surface? Remember that this is a chance for both of you to learn about each other and assess if you’re a good match or not. It’s a two-way street, not an interview.

Drive responsibly with your date in your car. Women are usually not impressed with crazy driving. If they are impressed by it, be cautious. People who crave danger are often volatile and emotional in nature. If you do not want drama in your life, you may not want to date a woman who loves a crazy driver.

If you meet her at the location that you agreed upon for your first date, text her to let her know when you’ve arrived. Try to get there a few minutes early and get a table. A booth is a great choice because it is usually comfortable seating where you can face each other and have enough privacy to talk and get to know one another. If a booth is not available, take whatever you can get. If for some reason she does not like the table choice, she can let you know when she arrives.

If she arrives ahead of you and gets a table first or meets you outside, do not fret. There are no hard, fast rules about who should arrive first. I simply suggest it because it can demonstrate that you value your date’s time and want to make sure you aren’t late.

During the date, allow her to choose her own food and drinks. Ask her questions and really try to listen to her. Often men will turn every conversation around to them, even interrupting and neglecting to allow a woman to finish her stories. We, women, are good at nodding our heads and pretending interest because we don’t want to offend you. But that doesn’t mean we don’t see how you’re dominating the conversation. Try not to be this kind of man. It makes you look very self-centered and the woman feels like you are not interested in what she has to say.

When she asks you questions, answer them truthfully but don’t volunteer information that can be used against you. This is a first date and she is not to be trusted yet. She does not need to know your deepest secrets or fears. Instead, share your dreams and your values. Talk about the precious people and moments of your life so that she can see who you are on a deeper level without opening yourself up to a potentially toxic abuser.

Watch for red flags like her over-reacting to something you say. If you said it respectfully and didn’t mean to offend her, then she should be able to respectfully educate you about what you said or did rather than attack you. For instance, if you say something like, “Feel free to order as much as you want. You look like you could stand to gain some weight.”

Your intention with your comment was to compliment her thinness but also let her know that you don’t mind a woman with an appetite for food. Or perhaps you wanted her to know that you don’t mind a woman with a bit of weight on her. You did not intend to insult her at all. But her response is not what you expect. She says, “When you tell me that I could stand to gain weight, it makes me feel like you’re saying I’m too skinny.”

This is a respectful, educational response that you can learn from. Take it graciously. Apologize and let her know that you did not intend to make her feel that way. You don’t need to explain yourself unless she asks you to. I would let it go, thank her for respectfully letting you know how your words affected her and learn from it.

If she responds with a rude tone of voice and says something like, “You’re just like every man. You think you have a right to comment on our weight. It’s all about looks to you men, isn’t it?” This is a triggered, confrontational response. If you date this woman, you can look forward to many more altercations like this and a very unpeaceful life. You’ve been warned.

If the conversation is going well, watch for signs of romantic interest. How much eye contact does she make? Does she reach out and touch you when she talks? Does she talk about what she’s looking for in a longterm partner, like she’s asking if you meet up to her desires?

Talk to her about things you’d like to do with her and see how she responds. Does she seem interested or unsure? It could be that your interests don’t align, or that she is preparing to let you down easy. For instance, you love camping and she hates it or she likes you but doesn’t feel a sexual attraction towards you. There’s something to be said for chemistry and if it’s not there for her, it’s no one’s fault.

Whether you feel the date is going well or you’re wishing it would be over already, try to stay present and attentive. Don’t have your phone on the table or be checking it frequently. If possible, turn your ringer off and ignore your phone for the entirety of the date. This is good practice for when you are in a relationship. Phones are the demise of many relationships. Learn now how to control your technology addiction (that we all seem to have to some degree).

Be aware of how you are presenting yourself. Dress smart. Have your hair and beard groomed. Don’t overdo the cologne and wear shoes that don’t look like they came from a homeless camp. Don’t apologize for how you look or what you’re wearing. Own it. Most women will help you with clothing decisions later if it’s that important to them.

When the date is over, if you think it went well and you want to kiss her, watch for signs that she wants the same thing. If she lingers saying goodbye, she is probably hoping for a kiss. Step in closer and ask her, “May I kiss you?” If she giggles and pulls away, she probably doesn’t want a kiss. She’s either not ready or she’s not into you. If she says yes, place one hand lightly on the back of her neck and lean in for a soft kiss. Push your lips to hers and hold them there for a moment to see how she responds. If she deepens the kiss, follow her lead.

If you feel inspired to deepen the kiss, do it tentatively to ensure it is welcomed. If the signs are not there or if she pulls away, be respectful and give her space. Pause for a moment. She may give signs that she wants more, or she may not. Either way, make it clear that you enjoyed the kiss and her company. Thank her for the date and say goodbye. Feel free to send a goodnight text that evening, thanking her again for a great time. If you don’t, she might think you are not interested in her. Show her that you are still thinking about her with a short, kind, text message. If she wants to talk or keep texting, follow her lead.

If the date went really well, you may have already planned the next date. Or, you can offer to contact her to arrange another date. Now, you can repeat the entire process of texting and seeing if she responds. Sometimes a woman is into you but she is shy about making the first move or she isn’t sure if you are into her. For this reason, you must watch for signs that she is romantically interested in you. Be direct about your interest, as well. If you are not clear that you are “into her,” she can’t read your mind. You might miss your opportunity simply because you assume she knows about your hopes and intentions.

Detach yourself from the outcome. Remember that each time you are rejected, you learn that the person who rejected you wasn’t the person for you. Even if there are future dates or even an immediate and beautiful connection, it doesn’t mean she will be your life mate forever. Enjoy the moment for all it’s worth and be grateful for the experience no matter how long it lasts. Cherish the beautiful moments you have today and try not to worry about the future.

Finding out if a woman is into you is a delicate dance between making non-threatening advances towards romance and interpreting your subject of desire’s reactions. You may get it wrong sometimes. As long as you are respectful and handle your errors with class, you are doing great. Don’t apologize for existing. You have a right to reach for love. If she’s not the right person, let it go and move on without beating yourself up. Look for your next adventure in dating. If you keep your heart open and enjoy the dating process, you will eventually find your someone. She will think you are wonderful and you will experience passionate bliss. Soak it up because life is short and there are no guarantees! Cherish the journey because that is how we grow.

Did you find this guided visualization helpful? Would you like more content like this? Please let me know!

Love Annie xoxo

PS. If you ever need a pep talk, I’m here for you. I’m flexible with my coaching rates because I really want to help you succeed. We can work within your budget. And don’t forget, I love you.

Over the next few weeks, I want to set some things straight for the men out there who don’t feel worthy of finding true love. I'm going to be talking about cocks, vaginas, sex, intimacy, increasing attract-ability, manhood, healing with sex workers, and mindset techniques among other things. If you or someone you know can benefit from this content, please subscribe to my newsletter.