STRIPPER SKILLS I LEARNED IN THE CLUB
Becoming a stripper made it necessary for me to learn how to communicate well. I needed to set clear boundaries with my customers, charm the fuck out of them for the purposes of selling dances and getting tips, negotiate my rates and services, de-escalate situations when necessary, and protect my privacy. With my colleagues, I needed to navigate change-room dramas, manage scheduling issues, and handle confrontations. As a business woman, I needed to endear agents, club managers, and DJs to my brand, demonstrate professionalism, and stand up for myself. As I became more and more adept at communication, I began to notice that many of my colleagues, too, had honed their communication abilities because of the work we found ourselves engaged in.
When I became a mother, I felt like I was at an advantage over most mothers because of my incredible communication skills. Working in the sex industry had made me a pro. I applied my hard-earned techniques to raising my children and teaching them how to communicate respectfully and confidently. As they began to express themselves, we discussed facial expressions, body language, emotions, and every other communication element that came up along the way. My adult and teen children, having grown up this way, have far surpassed me in their abilities to communicate. It's fascinating and fills my heart with joy.
As articulate and sensitive communicators as my children and I were, my ex-husband struggled with expressing himself. While we were married, I began to think of him as "the conversation police" because he refused to talk about anything meaningful and he would literally shut down conversations that he didn't want to engage in. As a father, he was a lecturer. Everything that came out of his mouth was an instruction of some sort. He was unable to form a bond with my oldest daughter from a previous relationship, despite my efforts to teach him how to communicate with love.
One day, I came across a quote and put it on the fridge hoping I could get through to him. It said: "You must connect before you correct." My husband was attempting to "teach" my daughter but he hadn't gained her respect. She saw his incessant lecturing as disapproval and criticism. She grew up feeling like she was never good enough in his eyes. Sadly, my ex-husband never learned how to connect. But, as my understanding of communication developed, I realized that ALL communication is dependent on CONNECTION.
Working in the strip club, hustling dances, and managing drunk people made me into a master "connector." Without realizing what I was doing, I became adept at making people feel seen and accepted. Increasingly, I paid attention to how my interactions with people impacted them. For instance, I saw the difference come over people when I smiled at them, as opposed to having a neutral facial expression. I noticed that people wanted MY acceptance, after years of me worrying about THEIR acceptance. The epiphany that all of my skills centered around connection was fascinating to me. I began to understand that we are all seeking connection and acceptance. Knowing this, it became even easier to communicate well. Here are the stripper skills I learned in the club. If we all did these things, no one would ever feel alone.
Be relatable
In order to create a connection, we must feel we can relate to the person we're trying to communicate with. And we must be relatable to them, as well. The one thing we all have in common is our humanity. Therefore, the first thing I do when I want to create a connection with someone is I intentionally see the humanity in them. I don't focus on their outer appearance, although that can give me clues about them and also opportunities to relate ("I love your red shoes!"). But I try to focus on the fact that they are a person with joys and sorrows, the ability to love and to have their heart broken; someone who deserves respect, love, and compassion. Other ways to be relatable are by expressing empathy for another person's struggle, sharing our own personal stories, demonstrating vulnerability, and displaying true happiness for another's successes.
Speak with your body
There is nothing more powerful at disarming people and making people feel safe with us, than a genuine smile that reaches our eyes. Children flock to teachers who smile and cower from teachers who frown. Our facial expressions truly matter when we communicate with people. Sometimes a smile is inappropriate. We obviously should not smile when someone is crying. Nor, when someone is lashing out at us in a threatening manner. Many situations require us to communicate without smiling. But in every possible case that doesn't involve grief or confrontation, a smile is a beautiful sight. Other body language techniques that create connection are: Make eye-contact when we speak. It makes the person we are speaking to feel important to us. Nod and tilt our heads to demonstrate understanding and interest when we're spoken to. Give them our full attention. Ignore our phones and all other distractions. Hold ourselves confidently. It's as simple as learning good posture. We must not apologize for existing by slouching into ourselves. Each of us has the same right as every other human to be seen, loved, respected, and heard.
Pay attention to tone
We've all known someone who speaks with a condescending tone of voice. No matter how neutral their words are, their tone implies we are stupid or inferior in some way. People who have been spoken down to for years experience this kind of treatment as emotional abuse. It fucks us up! Creating a connection with someone requires that we show equality and respect through our tone of voice. People who cannot learn to speak in respectful tones are doomed to insult others for the rest of their lives. The way we deliver a message is often more important than the message itself.
Fascinate Yourself
When we see each unique human being as someone who can potentially fascinate us with their individual brilliance, it's amazing what we can learn. When someone honours me by sharing something personal about themselves, I begin to see the fascinating person beneath the public persona. We all have a personal side that represents the monumental moments of our lives. We are survivors, achievers, dreamers, masters of our crafts, leaders in our industries. Our life experience gives each of us a different kind of brilliance that can only be uncovered when we willingly share ourselves with others. I find each person's unique brilliance to be fascinating and I am grateful when someone willingly shares those fascinating, personal aspects about themselves with me. People can tell when we genuinely find them interesting. It's a powerful and exciting way to create connection with those we are communicating with.
Seek understanding
A common recommendation for effective communication is to "listen to understand." This cannot be emphasized enough. Not only must we listen to understand, but we must ask for clarification and repeat what we think others are saying to ensure that we truly understand. Too often, we neglect to find understanding out of fear that our questions are stupid or that we will be mocked or shamed for asking them. We must ask our stupid questions bravely and confidently and be willing to be mocked or shamed. Understanding is more important than the childish behaviour of our fellow humans when they disrespect us for asking questions. Seek always to clarify. As long as you are respectful, any derision you experience is a reflection of them, not you.
Avoid negative assumptions
When a person is not good at communicating with me, or their body language or behaviour is confusing, I try not to take it personally. I avoid assuming that I've caused their behaviour somehow. Jumping to conclusions about what they might be thinking is a waste of emotional energy. Instead, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume that they are going through something that has nothing to do with me. If needed, I imagine scenarios that could explain their behaviour without it being negative towards me. By doing this, I save myself a lot of emotional energy and time. I've gotten so good at this, that after someone is rude to me, I almost immediately forget about it. I assume they are having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me. Eventually it will come out if it DID have something to do with me. I can deal with it then. No sense stressing about it in the meantime.
Practice the pause
Often we feel the need to fill up every empty space with sound. This need for constant sound between syllables has led to a lot of "umms" and "y'knows." I am one of the worst offenders. Toastmasters tried to tame me but I'm still a work in progress. However, I have learned the power of the pause between responses. When someone asks me a question or says something that I need to consider, I employ the pause to great effect. Sometimes I rub my chin to show that I am in thought. The pause can lead to all kinds of treasures. I can calm myself, if needed, during the pause. The person I'm talking to might offer something more personal in the pause. They may expose a lie by the words they use to fill up the pause. My pause may give them a feeling of self-importance because it shows that I am meaningfully considering what they have said. The pause is extremely powerful, as you can see.
Confront with love
It's harder to do with people who are in our day-to-day lives because they are more likely to trigger our emotions. But with those who haven't ever shared our bed or bathroom, it's easier to handle confrontations with love. I try to do it with strangers and loved ones. It sounds crazy, because how do you confront a hostile person with love? I will tell you how. Confronting with love requires me to ask myself, "What is the most loving way that I can respond to this conflict?" Obviously, a loving solution wouldn't involve screaming, name-calling, blaming, or violence. A loving solution would involve trying to understand the other person's perspective, speaking with respect and using non-hostile language, and remaining calm even when I must assert myself. If someone violently attacks you, I suggest you beat the shit out of them. But if the confrontation is nonviolent, lead with love. You'll be amazed at the outcome.
Love everyone, trust no one
An important thing to remember when trying to create connections with those we are communicating with is that we must take care not to share too much. Disclosing too much personal information is not only dangerous but it opens us up to re-traumatization. Sometimes, like in the case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), we can't help but tell our trauma stories on loop. It is a part of healing that we need to feel validation from others about our trauma. Telling our story over and over allows us to get the validation we desire and it also desensitizes us to it. But this only works in an environment of healing. If we are not validated, or if we continually live in the pain rather than deliberately moving through it, healing cannot take place. Even though it can be a trauma response, disclosing our traumas is best saved for people who truly and deeply care about us and our healing. Remember connection is possible without sharing the rawest parts of ourselves. Emotional safety must always come first.
Offer continuous reassurance
You can never make someone feel too safe, too loved, too precious, too valued, or too worthwhile. As humans, we often look for reassurances. Does our boss appreciate us? Does our spouse find us attractive? Is my conversation boring? Am I imposing? Whatever insecurity we are facing at the moment, reassurance is always welcome. Look for opportunities to reassure people whenever possible. Let people know with words and body language that they are important to you, even if it's only for the moment that you are crossing each other's path. Reassurance is the safety net we all need when we're feeling fragile. Offer it abundantly to facilitate spectacular lines of communication with others.
The majority of the above suggestions for communicating effectively are techniques we can easily practice and master. They do not require fancy wording or well-planned-out speeches. They only require decency, respect, kindness, and a willingness to create a connection. Nurturing these skills will lead to deeper relationships, stronger friendships, closer bonds with our loved ones, more successful careers, and less fear of confrontation. Good communication is the MOST IMPORTANT skill to have in a romantic relationship. It changes everything for the better. If we want amazing relationships with our partners, connection and communication are the primary ingredients we need to get us there. So, put on your metaphorical stilettos and go charm the fuck out of your friends. You can thank me later, Beautiful. ;)
Love Annie xoxo
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